Honky Tonk Blues
by meganichan04
Summary: Remember the old story city mouse, country mouse? Five former pilots from the big city get a taste of farm life, up close and personal! Somehow, I doubt they brought their cowboy boots...
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** A while ago I suddenly realized that I had written no real Gundam Wing fics, on this site or any other, and nearly had a panic attack. What is _wrong_ with me? It is, after all, just about my favorite anime ever... the first one I ever watched that had no Pikachu in it... Anyway. Here is a Gundam fic, extra humor, a soothing balm to my melancholy soul. Peace.

**Disclaimer:** Gundam Wing does not belong to me, unfortunately. If it did, every episode would have had a Super Duo Madness Minute built in automatically. In reality it belongs to Bandai and various other companies and or persons.

**For Your Info:** This is a humor fic. Most likely, it will contain some OOC. But hopefully not too much. It is set after the war, as will become obvious. Chapter one follows our favorite (and most kawaii) braided baka, Duo, and tells it from his point of view. Enjoy.

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

You know how they say that "the best laid plans of men go awry?" Or something like that. Well, they're not joking, whoever they are that made that up. No matter how well thought out your plan may be, no matter how carefully you execute it, something can always goof it up. Let's take _vacations_, for example.

I guess it all began with the stress.

I suppose you could say that at that time we were all a little bit on edge, the five of us former Gundam pilots. Even I, the infamously laid back Duo Maxwell, was beginning to feel tension's cold sting.

For example, Heero, Wufei, and I all had Preventers to cope with. Now don't get me wrong, it's a great job. Decent pay, good health benefits (considering what it is we do every day), and plenty of excitement. Plus, it serves the purpose of giving Wufei an outlet for his Flaming Justice, and keeping Heero from flipping like a remote control puppy.

_However._ It is in fact a demanding occupation that requires intense physical and mental prowess. One wrong move on your average work day and you can find yourself suddenly, violently, and painfully separated from your backside.

On Quatre's end he had the Winner Corporation, running it more or less on his own. Normally he's in his element here. Multi-billion dollar deals, meetings with powerful and influential persons, press conferences, the occasional assassination attempt – you name it, he can deal with it. And he loves the challenge. Thrives on it. Rolls in it like a cat in nip-nip. But, then again... everyone needs the odd break. Which he doesn't take. Inevitably, a job like that with no respite can and will lead to mental and physical exhaustion.

And Trowa. Dear Trowa. Clown Boy. The Circus Freak, affectionately. While not quite as mentally fried as the rest of us, he was so physically strung up he rivaled one of those cute multicolored plastic frogs that go flying across the table the moment you touch their little tab. I think Catherine might have had something to do with that, she and her knives and her screaming and hitting and not-so-perfect aim... that's just me speculating.

But I digress. The final straw, the big tip off, came when the confrontations started.

Heero pulled his gun on a grocery store clerk who had the nerve to card him and refused to sell him a case of Miller beer. It took all our Preventer prowess and Quatre's political connections to keep him out of jail.

One morning Trowa and I had words, shouts, and eventually a fist fight over who was to control the remote. Now, I may run and hide occasionally, but I will _never, ever_ surrender the remote when Pokemon comes on. Apparently Trowa has the same philosophy about Animal Cops. By the time the others intervened and restrained us the fight had become irrelevant; both our shows were over anyway. However, I did learn never to fight with bang boy. He plays dirty; he's a hair puller.

Quatre fell asleep at his desk while chipping away at the giant, never-receding mountain of paperwork that resides there. The next morning he arrived late to work with a headache and a crick in his neck and told a cheerful newbie office employee to go to hell and take the paperwork with her. I personally think it traumatized them both.

And Wufei, for no apparent reason, one day took on a small kitchen appliance in cold blood; specifically, the toaster in the Preventers break room. When it refused to work he broke off the little lever and threw the entire apparatus (plus untoasted bread) out the third story window. The only problem with all this was the exact location where the toaster landed.

It hit Sally Po. In the head. I suppose it's a wonder she survived the experience – it was a pretty hefty toaster. But then again, I suppose it's also a wonder the Wu-man lived after she got her hands on him. Me myself, I would have made sure the toaster was plugged in first.

Needless to say, after these rather violent incidents that divulged exactly how much stress was being carried around by five teenagers who are still months shy of being legal to buy lottery tickets, it became clear that a vacation was in order. Soon. (I privately figured that if some de-stressing wasn't done in the immediate future, a homicide would be. It's never good to push Heero's buttons, in particular. Not with _that_ gun.)

The tension built. The storm continued to brew. Wufei began to use screaming as his chief mode of communication. The kitty-Quat began to growl and hiss, literally. I spent a good portion of my time hiding in my room with the door locked. It wasn't cool, man.

And then, as luck would have it, salvation called to us. On the phone, no less.

One evening in early summer Quatre got a call from one of his older sisters. (Please don't ask me what her name was, 'cause Blondie has about a thousand sisters and I can't remember them all. Hell, I don't think _Quatre _can remember them all half the time! Anyways.)

It turned out that she and her cute little family lived away out in the boonies, on a farm about eight hours from Preventer base. As I hung about the door, shamelessly eavesdropping, I discovered that she and her husband and their little daughter wanted to experience a taste of life in the big city, and would we all like to come out to her place and watch the house for them and do the farm scene for a week?

In short, Quatre said yes. Screamed it, actually, at the top of his lungs. It probably deafened his poor sister, but it seemed like it was worth it, for at last our prayers had been answered. We had a vacation destination, lined up and ready to go expense free.

At the time, it seemed like a gift from Heaven... so how were we to know that fateful phone call was but the harbinger of a series of events that would scar us all, in one way or another, for the rest of our natural lives?

**O.O.O.O.O**

The trip there was normal enough.

I sat in the back seat of Heero's converted Hummer, nursing a sore head. Heero had thrown me back there when I leaned out the passenger window and asked some old man at a stoplight if he had any Grey Poupon. Hee-chan has no sense of humor.

We'd been on the road literally forever (eight and a quarter hours) and I was understandably ready to die. Unfortunately, no one else seemed to share my sentiments. Wufei was reading in the corner seat, Trowa, enjoying his Catherine-free time, was napping, and Quatre, with the aid of a map and handwritten directions from sis, was pointing out the way to Heero. Therefore, I was SOL in the entertainment department.

"Are we _there _yet?" I finally moaned, thumping my bare feet against the back of Trowa's chair in a vain attempt to wake him up so he'd pay attention to me. I know, I know. I'm an immature brat.

"Soon," Quatre replied patiently, just like he had for the past ten times I'd whined. Sometimes his patience is annoying. He was slouched down in the passenger's seat, staring dreamily at the trees and odd telephone poles shooting by on either side of the car. He looked half asleep, and more relaxed than he had in months.

"But I wanna be there _nooow_..."

Heero glared at me in the rearview mirror. He hates it when I whine. Because, and I quote: "as an adult, former Gundam pilot, and fully capable soldier of Preventers," I should "be able to remain composed and professional at all times." Hmph. "Composed," indeed. Who could stay composed when your transistor revolts and refuses to pick up any music station that isn't blaring blue grass country out of the overly saturated airwaves?

My soda and snacks were gone. I'd solved all the crossword puzzles I was able. My "out-of-state license plate" bingo sheet was filled twice over. I'd counted six hundred eighty nine semi truck trailers and given up. My Gameboy batteries were dead and my paddleball string was broken and my Ipod had fallen behind the seats. I needed _out._

"_Heeeroooo..._" I whined. "How much _loooongerrr?_" He shot me the death glare and I grinned. I like to live dangerously. Anyways, he was driving. He couldn't reach me even if he wanted to.

Suddenly Quatre sat up straighter in his navigator's seat, pointing to an upcoming road sign. "Here! Heero, get off at this exit."

"Affirmative." The Hummer swung to the right and proceeded down the ramp directed by the Perfect Soldier. I pressed my face to the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of the town. I was to be disappointed.

"Uh, hey, Quat? There's nothing out there! Where's the town?"

"Um." He looked confused but not worried. Pulling out the map once more he gave it another look. "Well, we're definitely on the right road... just keep going, Heero. I'm sure we'll see another sign or something in a minute."

"Right." Heero, not the least bit concerned, did as he was told. _He_ certainly never got bored driving in a dumb Hummer for hours and hours and hours and _hours_...

I sighed, slouching back in my seat and staring out the window. Corn to the left of me. Soybeans to the right. A field of tomatoes up ahead and a pasture full of brown and white cows across from that. Not much in the way of scenery.

We drove for a good half hour more. The asphalt grew bumpier and bumpier, obviously in disrepair. After a while it finally gave up the ghost entirely and the roads became completely paved with... dirt.

We went over a massive pothole that bounced me clean out of my seat. Wufei finished his book and sat up to get his bearings. Trowa slumbered on obliviously. I began to rhythmically beat my head against the window.

This was Hell. It had to be. At least I didn't have to go to the bathroom... no, wait... I did have to go to the bathroom.

I was ready to scream when the Hummer zipped efficiently down a steep hill and we were suddenly there. Literally, smack in the middle of town. I was a bit confused, it happened so quickly, but a second later I was plastered to the window with a happy gasp. Finally!

"We're here!" Quatre grinned after a quick check of the map. "Now we just follow Main Street through town past the sheriff's office. Sis left the keys to the house with Sheriff Hughes' secretary."

"Roger," Heero muttered unconcernedly. "Duo, quit steaming up the windows."

I couldn't help it. This town was like nothing I'd ever seen. It was like... Green Acres mixed with Andy Griffith and a large splash of Little House on the Prairie. Rolling down the window to appease the authority, I gazed at the scenery as we rolled by.

Trees and green grass were everywhere. Flower and vegetable gardens abounded. Happy dogs that were too healthy to be strays ran everywhere, completely disregarding the leash law, but no one seemed to care. Tabby cats lazed on wooden porches next to old-fashioned wooden rocking chairs.

They even had a sheriff! I couldn't keep the grin off my face. This was going to be so cool!

We rounded a gentle bend in the road and came face to face with what could best be described as a large street fair. It took all my willpower not to jump out and run for the tilt-a-whirl. Even Trowa and Wufei were gazing out their own windows in evident enjoyment.

"Okay, sheriff's office should be right across the road from the fairgrounds..." Quatre glanced up at the prominent sawhorse and yellow tape road blocks that kept traffic off a seven block stretch of Main Street. Our destination was in the thick of things. "Alright, um, let's just find someplace to park. I'll run inside and get the keys and then we can check out the fair."

Heero obligingly began to cruise for a parking spot. It was quite the challenge in its own way, almost like an obstacle course. There were people in lawn chairs literally sitting in the street, children on bikes and running barefoot every which direction, and, at one point, we were forced to slow to three miles an hour due to a little old man in a motorized chair putting along down the center of the street.

Nowhere could there be found a parking spot.

Heero began to get just a little annoyed, his brows furrowing deeply as a ratty basketball appeared from seemingly nowhere out of the milling crow and bounced off the windshield. The country music blared.

"Quatre, what is this?" Heero finally demanded as he was forced to slam on the breaks once more for a pack of screaming kids pulling brightly colored helium balloons. "This was not on the itinerary!"

Quatre shrugged apologetically. "I don't know. Sis didn't mention anything like this, I swear."

We were now on our third circle the block, and still no free spot big enough for a Hummer. Heero was frowning now, an intent look in his eyes. "Take the wheel," he finally growled as we reached a stop sign. Grabbing the information sheet from Quatre, he was out the door and making his way toward the desired location before the blonde could protest.

So there we were a moment later, circling the block once more, only this time sans Heero. Quatre took it in stride with nothing more than a deep sigh. Wufei and Trowa, ever the silent types, exchanged amused glances, probably wondering what the sheriff would have to say about Heero bursting into his office demanding the keys with no proof of association.

"Slug bug blue," I murmured as we passed a Volkswagen. Not that anyone else ever responded to the challenge.

Ten minutes later, however...

"Slug bug..." I began.

"_DUO!_" Quatre cried suddenly, turning to give me a frustrated glare. "We have passed that car thirty six times! You can _stop_ saying that now!"

"No I can't," I explained patiently. "I can only stop when we start avoiding that Volkswagen. It's like, a law of the universe. When you pass one you have to yell –"

"Slug bug blue." Heero managed to push Quatre back into the passenger's seat, slam the door, and drill me in the jaw all at once. "No tag-backs."

"Where did _you_ come from?" I moaned from the floorboards, hands over my mouth. "And more importantly where did you learn to play this game so violently!"

As usual Heero ignored me. "Here are the keys," he said, handing them to Quatre and making an altogether illegal U-turn in the same instant. I rolled across the back seat. "Apparently there is a field designated for parking behind the fairgrounds. Oh, and Mr. Sheriff Hughes would like to speak to you."

A large banner tied across the gates of the fairgrounds grandly welcomed us to the 32nd Annual Agricultural Faire and Farm Festival.

As we hung around the Hummer waiting for Quatre to return form his chat with the local authorities, I made a mental checklist. First I wanted some popcorn, and some cotton candy, and a caramel apple, and a hotdog, and one of those pastry things, an elephant ear, that I had always wanted to try but never had.

Then I wanted to ride the tilt-a-whirl, and the Scrambler, and the swings, and the Viking ship, and the Ferris wheel, and the tea cups, and the bumper cars, and maybe even the carousel if there were any cute girls taking their little brothers and sisters on it at the time.

And after _that _I wanted to play some games; ring toss, water balloon bull's-eye, sharpshooter, darts, and maybe win some goldfish or a stuffed animal. Not like I could do a lot with either prize, but at least I could brag.

Unfortunately, upon his return from a very enthusiastic greeting and welcome to town, Quatre had other ideas.

Apparently Sheriff Hughes was quite exuberant for a portly man and had really given Blondie the runaround. He was friendly with the sister and her family and so was curious about us, the strangers living in their house for the week. (In this place, it seemed, everybody knew everybody else's business, and that went double for the police force. One more stereotype of small-town life confirmed.)

"We maybe have time to do _one_ thing," Quatre panted, stuffing a handful of agricultural-type brochures into the glove compartment. "We need to get to the house and feed Sis's animals. That was part of the deal, you know."

"Aww..." I pouted, but it wasn't as though we couldn't come back later. The banner advertised the celebration as lasting all week, and a large sign posted underneath showed each night's major activity and attraction.

We looked around, wondering what to do. There was lots to choose from.

"Let's go over here," Trowa said at last, and set off toward the enormous barn in the middle of the fairgrounds at a smart military pace. We followed, and minutes later found ourselves staring dumbly into the dusty, fur-filled chaos of the Livestock Exhibits and Petting Zoo.

"Oh, wow!" I squealed before I could help myself. "Animals!"

They were everywhere, every kind you could imagine and then some. Cows, horses, ponies, sheep, goats, pigs, chickens, ducks, geese, peacocks and llamas... you name it, these people were showing it. And if the smell was a bit less than wonderful, well, I supposed that was one of those things you just had to deal with when it came to farm life.

An announcer over the speaker system rigged high in the rafters was barking all the fun things to do. Pony rides were being given for the kids. A dog handler and his trained Border collies would soon give a sheep herding demonstration in corral one. Later those same sheep would be sheared in ring two. A children's pedal-tractor race was being planned in an hour, and any kid that wanted to join in should report to the front table to sign up.

It was all a bit overwhelming.

"Hey, Duo, look at this!"

Quatre was leaned over the fence of the sheep pen, petting the baby lambs. They looked remarkably like the sweater Hilde had once knitted me for Christmas. White and lumpy, but still cute. The adult sheep milled around the pen looking decidedly less than happy, some shaved and some not. I sniggered. At least the shaved ones looked more comfortable; it was kinda hot there in the barn.

"Here's baby goats, too," I said, checking out the pen next to the sheep. "What're they called, again?"

"Kids," Quatre supplied, reaching in to pet them, too. A moment later he pulled his arm back with a jerk, staring in disbelief at his torn cuff. "You ate my button!"

Trowa and 'Fei had wandered down the row. Trowa was letting a baby cow suck on what looked like most of his hand, and seemed to be enjoying it. Eww... Wufei was being hassled by someone in a giant fake soy bean suit who apparently wanted to give him a hug. I could hear the yelling all the way back at the goat pens.

Laughing, I turned to see what else there was to mess with.

Heero was leaning on the fence of the horse corral looking slightly bored. I decided to meander that way.

The horses were all shapes, sizes, and colors. They had donkeys and mules, which I had the vague idea were not the same thing at all, though I couldn't quite figure out which was what. They even had some really tiny horses, about the size of a big dog. I stared at those the longest; I had no idea horses could come apartment sized!

As I was rubbing miniature horse noses and feeding mouthfuls of hay, Heero continued to lean on the fence. As he leaned, a feisty looking guy, black with white marks, came galloping up behind him. The black horse tossed his head over the gate next to Heero's shoulder and snorted into his messy mop of hair.

I opened my mouth to warn Heero that it would probably bite, but he cut me off. Turning around slowly he gave the horse one of those evil glares he has often practiced and perfected on me and a snort of his own.

The horse backed off.

Leaving the horses, I continued down the aisle. One long table was covered in wire cages, brushes, prize ribbons and cat toys. There was a big basket in front of it. "Heero, look!" I yelled, reaching into the basket. "Kittens!"

"They're show cats," the lady behind the table smiled. "Real young. Just opened their eyes a few days ago, in fact."

The one I pulled out was grey with black stripes and a little "M" mark on its forehead. It was like a dandelion fluff with a head and a tail. Meowing, it tried to shimmy up the front of my shirt. Adorable. Ignoring the tiny claw pricks I held it closer and bent my head, wondering if it would purr.

I didn't notice my braid flicking around my shoulders and swinging behind me like a pendulum, but something else did. A second later my neck was tilted back at a ninety degree angle and I was screaming my pain to the rafters with what had to be a fifteen-pound, orange-striped tom cat hanging from my hair. "_EEE–YOWCH!_ Get it off me, _get it off me!_" The kitten was crawling inside my shirt collar. "Get 'em _both _off me!"

"Ah." Coming out from behind the table, the lady mercifully pulled the crazed beast off my back and pried my braid out of its mouth. "This," she said, folding it in her arms, "is not a show cat. This is your average, run-of-the-mill barn cat. Quite handy for keeping rats and mice out of grain and feed bins."

Whimpering, I hastily put the kitten back in the basket and gave my stinging scalp a quick massage. The evil thing was purring like an engine. Sniffling, I turned to look for Heero, pulling loose hairs out of my much-abused braid. The jerk was laughing; he'd seen the whole thing.

"I think... we should probably leave," Quatre muttered, shuffling up. He looked like he'd lost a fight. He had little pieces of straw all over him and a big smudge of dust on one cheek. His hair was messed up and one sleeve was torn off at the elbow.

Heero and I raised a brow.

Quatre blushed. "I tried to get my button away from the baby goat, and, uh, the big goats, they, uh..." He helplessly waved the bare arm. "Yeah."

Mugged by a goat. That was a little weird. Funny, but weird.

We went to round up Wufei and Trowa.

Wufei was being closely followed by a flock of baby ducklings. "Go on!" he yelled, waving them away with both hands. "Do I look like a mother duck to you? Go away!" The ducklings ignored him, scurrying after us with frantic little _peep, peep, peep! _noises. "Get lost, you annoying little –!"

"Wufei, is that any way to speak to your children?" I asked, shaking my head sadly. He glared, grabbing an abandoned broom propped against one booth and slowly chasing the ducks back the way we had come with the straw bristles.

Soon Trowa appeared out of the crowd carrying a brown lop-eared rabbit. He had a rooster perched on one shoulder and a bouncy little dog trotting at his heals. We all stared. He stared back.

"The rabbit I won in a drawing. The other two are just along for the fun."

It was true. As we left the barn and headed out into the early evening sunlight, the rooster took clumsy flight and the dog turned back to the open doors with one last farewell bark. Trowa waved. It's almost creepy, his way with animals.

"What are you gonna do with that rabbit?" I asked curiously. Come on. We were hundreds of miles away from home. Where would he_ keep_ it?

"Keep him, of course." Trowa looked surprised at the question. "What else?"

"Y'all could eat it, I 'spect." The short, round man leaning against Heero's Hummer had to be Sheriff Hughes. "Them rabbits is raised for it, 'round here." He nodded, as if to himself. "Yep, make mighty fine eatin'."

Trowa's one visible eye slowly widened. Holding the rabbit tighter he began to unobtrusively back away from the odd little man. "No. No... I don't think we will, thank you."

"Suit yerself." Straightening, the sheriff spit a large mouthful of chewing tobacco into the grass. I watched the distance it got with admiration. This guy was a pro. "Thought I'd drop by an' see if'n y'all need directions up t'yer sister's place. It ain't exactly the easiest place ter get to, if'n y'all know what I mean." He gave us a huge wink.

I felt my stomach plunge. What _did _he mean?

"Well... sure." Quatre already had directions from his sister, but I could almost see him thinking, _Why not? Just to be on the safe side... _"Why not. Let me just grab a pen..."

When he was ready Hughes fired away. "First yew wanna get onta the first road goin' left offa Main Street," he began.

Quatre faithfully wrote it down.

"Then yew'll wanna take the third left after that an' follow that road there fer about three miles. Then take the first right, third right, and third left. It's the _third_ left, count 'em close cuz it's kinda hard ta see at first. Then yew wanna –"

"Uh, wait a second!" Quatre was panicking. "Could you please give me the street _names_ or _numbers_ instead of all the rights and lefts?"

Mr. Hughes looked at him strangely, tipping back his cowboy hat. "Wall I 'spect I could, but I'd hafta make 'em up as I went along, like. Rights 'n lefts is about all yer like ta find 'round here, son."

As Quatre frantically wrote, the rest of us swapped slightly nervous glances. It was shaping up to be a _long_ ride...

**O.O.O.O.O**

We arrived at the farm just as the sun was setting. It had been unanimously decided by the entire group that Sheriff Hughes would receive a gift basket; there was no way in Hell or on Earth we would have found the place without his lefts and rights.

"I just don't understand it," Quatre was muttering as we unloaded our luggage. "How could she expect me to get here with only three sentences worth of directions? _How?_"

Trowa shrugged, the rabbit in one arm and his duffle bag in the other. "Dunno. Do you think they have lettuce here? I want to feed and water Thumper as soon as possible. He's dehydrated."

"Oh. Oh, sure." I could almost see Quatre shake off the puzzle of the directions as he grabbed his suitcase out of the Hummer and ascended the steps of the huge wooden veranda that wrapped around the house. We were here now, he seemed to be thinking, and that was all that really mattered.

I left off wrestling with the three huge dogs that had come bounding and barking up to the Hummer as soon as we had pulled into the dirt lane that served as the driveway. They were all really friendly, jumping up and trying to lick my face. Giving them one last pat I shouldered my backpack and followed Trowa up to the porch.

"No... get down... no... " he muttered calmly at the dogs, holding the newly christened Thumper rabbit out of their reach. They tenaciously leaped for it, determined to have bunny for an early din-din. Lucky for Thumper, Trowa is taller than the rest of us and effortlessly held him up out of harm's way.

"A-ha! Here we go..." In moments Quatre had the door open and was beckoning the rest of us inside. "Come on in, everybody."

We all crowded in. The dogs shot in before I could think to close the door, but I didn't really notice. We dropped our bags just inside the door, gazing around at what was to be our home for the week.

The place was huge! It looked even bigger than it had from outside. We were standing in the foyer; also on the first floor there was an enormous kitchen, a dining room, and a gigantic living room. A grand staircase lead to the upstairs; the kid's room, master suite, and two guest rooms. Three baths, three showers, walk-in closets, a huge pantry, and a laundry room... the place was great.

This vacation was going to be, quite simply, _da bomb._

We filed upstairs and began the arduous process of claiming rooms.

One of the doors was painted a cute lilac color. "Katie's Room," a little finger-painted sign read. Quatre graciously agreed to sleep there. With twenty nine sisters and abut thirteen young nieces so far, I guess he's pretty well used to the girly atmosphere.

Trowa wound up in the master bedroom. Ignoring the rather large gun rack and the wide variety of shotguns therein, he dropped his bags and went back downstairs to see to his new pet. After dumping our stuff in the two guest rooms (one of them had twin beds, so I was sharing with Hee-chan) Wufei, Heero and I followed. It was past time for our own dinner, anyway.

Quatre had found a note on the kitchen table.

"Dear little brother and friends," he read quickly, "please make yourselves at home. You're welcome to anything in the fridge and pantry, and there's meat in the deepfreeze in the barn. If you need anything or have any questions, call me on my cell phone. Love, Sissie. P.S; the dogs are NOT allowed in the house!Check thatthe screen door latches when you go out, and be SURE to close the gates!"

Attached to the note was a list of what to feed the animals and when, how much hay to throw to the cows and how much grain to the chickens and how many scoops of dog food for the dogs. The cats in the barn could take care of themselves. Attached to _that_ was another paper, what I assumed were the further do's and don'ts and info about the farm.

"Hm, it doesn't say anything about the parakeet or the fish... and there's a hamster in Katie's room, too," Quatre mused. "Maybe I'd better call and ask about them. Trowa, there's probably a clothes basket in the laundry room if you want to put the rabbit in it."

"I'll start dinner," Wufei volunteered with a yawn. "Soup alright? Any objections to vegetable soup?"

There weren't any. We all jumped to our allotted tasks.

Trowa held the rabbit while Heero and I found the laundry basket and lined the bottom with newspaper. Wufei found and filled the soup pot and a small bowl of water for the rabbit. Quatre, after finding that his cell got no reception, called his sister on the kitchen phone.

"...Hi, sis, it's me. Yes, we got here just fine. How was your drive? ...Really? That's too bad... yeah... yeah, rush hour can get pretty bad... Katie slept through most of it? That's good. Well, listen, I just wanted to tell you we got here alright and ask about Katie's hamster... yes... yes, and the goldfish and bird. What do we feed them?"

"Duo, why don't you get some lettuce from the fridge?" Trowa asked me. He was shredding more newspaper into long strips for the rabbit's bedding.

"And carrots and onions while you're at it," Wufei muttered over the potatoes he was peeling.

"Sure, okay." I quit holding Thumper's long lop ears up and he bounced straight into his water dish. "Lettuce, lettuce, where are you?"

I pulled open the fridge and, after a quick glance at its contents, popped open the veggie drawer. "Holy_ shit!_"

Wufei jumped, nearly knocking the pot clean off the stove. "Maxwell, what the hell is wrong with you? I nearly cut mysel–"

"_Snakes!_" I screamed hysterically, scrambling back from the open drawer.

"What?"

Heero and Trowa immediately came over to investigate. It was snakes, sure enough, a writhing, wriggling ball of them nearly filling the vegetable compartment. I wanted to gag. Rotten food I can deal with, _have_ dealt with on a semi-regular basis, but_ snakes_?

Quatre was obviously trying not to panic. "Listen, Sis," he squeaked, moving as far from the fridge as he could, "I don't want to alarm you, but... _there are snakes in your refrigerator!_ ...Yes! Yes, in the _vegetable_... what?"

Wufei raised an ebony brow as Trowa pulled one of the reptiles out of the drawer. It moved slowly like it was groggy, from the cold, I guess. Heero looked like he wanted to poke it. I shuddered.

Quatre was looking queasy. "Sis, you know that's very cruel... yes it is! It's cruel and _disgusting _and you shouldn't even _joke_ like that... Oh... oh, I see... Um, alright. Uh, enjoy yourself... yes... yes, alright... talk to you later. Bye."

We all stared, waiting for an explanation.

Blondie shrugged helplessly. "Put it back, Trowa. They're supposed to be in there."

"What? Why?" Trowa demanded. "A refrigerator is far too cold for reptiles! Besides, there are way too many for such a small space, and it's obvious that they need to eat, and furthermore–"

"Belts," Quatre said faintly, hanging up the phone and slumping weakly back into his chair at the table..

"What?"

"Belts. Apparently my... _brother_ in law... catches them and keeps them until he has enough to... make... _belts_." Quatre, lover of life, looked sick. Trowa, lover of animals, looked horrified.

"Better call PETA," I muttered, leaving the kitchen. Suddenly I wasn't so hungry anymore.

Apparently the others felt the same way.

Wufei dumped the hot water down the sink and put the potatoes back into the pantry. Quatre began dishing up dog food while Trowa and Heero headed out to throw whatever chickens eat to the chickens. Everyone carefully avoided the fridge. Trowa still looked mutinous, and even I agreed that the whole refrigerated belts-to-be thing was mean.

Oh, well. That could be dealt with the next morning. For now, it looked like this vacation would be even more interesting than we thought...

**O.O.O.O.O**

To Be Continued

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

**(2****nd****)Author's Note:** Hmm... I'm still getting back into the swing of these characters, so I'm hoping the first chapter wasn't too bad. I didn't want to make Duo sound like an idiot, because he is not. Regardless, the next chapter will have more of the slightly evil comedy that I am apparently becoming known for.

Oh, and, by the by, many of the weird, farm-related circumstances that have or will befall the boys have happened to me. (I used to spend my summers with my grandparents in the heart of Tennessee.) See if you can figure out which ones they are. Thanks for reading, and hope to see you back for chapter two!


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** Oh yeah, back for chapter two! Thanks, everyone who reviewed! Just so you all know, I went and watched about twelve episodes of Gundam Wing to brush myself up and help with characterization. As it did years ago, my heart was filled with the urge to snuggle pitiful bishonen. Still, I hope you can't tell any difference that any of that might make between this chapter and the last. Please enjoy, everyone!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Gundam Wing or any of its characters (lucky for them). If I did, Heero would have had full permission to actually have a few emotions, and maybe a laugh that wasn't so... creepy.

**For Your Info:** This chapter is from the point of view of one displaced Perfect Soldier, stranded far away from his beloved technology in the middle of Godforsaken Nowhere. Yep, that's our Hee-chan!

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

My portable alarm clock went off at oh eight hundred hours. In one efficient motion I cut short its beeping, sitting up and taking stock of my surroundings.

All was as it should be. My gun was still under my pillow where I invariably place it before sleeping. My laptop was still inside its case resting on the bedside table. My other supplies were still at the foot of the bed where I had set them the night before.

Day two of our so-called "vacation" had begun.

Morning sunlight filtered through yellow curtains. My mission partner Duo Maxwell was still asleep, draped across his bed on the other side of the room. He had kicked the blankets off in the night and his head was hanging over the side of the matress, braid trailing on the wooden floorboards. His mouth was open slightly and he was drooling in his sleep, mumbling something much like "does this purse match my eyes?"

I snorted softly. He could sleep through an OZ bombing.

Getting out of bed, I quickly dressed and performed my morning stretches before gathering my laptop and making my way downstairs. Morning rations were in order, and I felt the need to check my email. Preventers could contact me at any moment requiring assistance, so it is most important that I should always remain open to communication.

No one was in the kitchen.

Wufei would no doubt be outside doing his ritual morning katas, and Trowa was most likely tending to his newly acquired animal, but I was not sure where Quatre could be. It was unlike him to sleep late or be otherwise absent before confirming that someone had started preparing breakfast.

Dismissing my curiosity, I placed my computer on the table and crossed over to the refrigerator. Although I am able to go long periods without food, and have on several occasions, I feel it is beneficial to begin the day with sustenance whenever possible. You never know where your next meal might come from, so it is good to be ready in case of emergencies.

I scanned the inside of the refrigerator and frowned. Three large plastic containers containing soil and earthworms. Seven cases of beer in glass bottles of various brands. An improvised notebook-paper sign reading "Do NOT Open!" in red marker attached to the duct taped vegetable drawer, obviously Quatre's doing. Not much in the way of rations.

I closed the refrigerator and looked for other options.

A small bucket of strawberries sat on the counter next to the sink. A good place to start. Biting into one, I continued to scan. There was a basket of eggs next to the berries, so I searched for and found a skillet.

By the time I had fried two of the eggs and washed another handful of strawberries, Duo had awoken. He staggered down the stairs and into the kitchen with a huge yawn, still in his boxers and undershirt. Before I could speak he had gravitated towards the stove. "Mmm, omelet..." he murmured, a hungry look in his eye.

"You can make your own," I informed him, placing my dish of eggs and berries on the table. It was not my job to make the braided baka breakfast. I was looking for something more to add to my meal when Quatre and Trowa came in from outdoors. Trowa carried a pail.

"Morning," Duo said, stifling another yawn. "Where ya been?"

Quatre had a very funny look on his face. "Oh, you know. Around..."

A slight smile flickered on Trowa's face. "We were just discovering," he said, sounding amused, "how to milk a cow. It was quite the... _interesting _experience." He placed the pail, which I now saw was full to the brim with milk, next to the egg basket.

Quatre made what can only be described as the "icky" face, staring down into the bucket with distaste. "Alright, we got the milk like Sis said. Although, what she expects us to do with it I have no idea..."

I crossed the room took a cup from the top cabinet. "That is obvious," I said, dipping the glass into the milk. "It is meant to be drunk, and it will go well with my other rations." I took a large gulp. It was quite refreshing.

"Eeeww!" Duo yelled, clapping a hand over his mouth. "Heero, that just came out of a freakin' _cow!_ That's _disgusting!_"

"No," I corrected him, "it is whole milk. It is high in butter fat, which makes it very nutritious. Also there can be no question of its freshness." Topping off the glass I placed it on the table with the rest of my breakfast. Berries, eggs, and milk, all gathered that same morning. A very healthy meal, in all respects.

"So..." Duo dropped his voice to a confidential tone, leaning across the table toward me. "Was it like, still warm?"

"Somewhat."

"Awesome."

Quatre shuddered, shaking his head violently. "I'm beginning to realize," he muttered, "that there's more to living on a farm than they show you in the movies."

I smiled slightly, digging into my breakfast. I could think of a few other things farm life could involve that might not be particularly pleasant, such as animal death or, possibly even worse, procreation, but Quatre looked unsettled enough that I did not mention it.

It was at that moment the screen door slammed.

"Quatre!" Wufei's voice yelled.

"In the kitchen," the blonde called back.

I paused in eating, alarmed. Wufei sounded almost panicked.

I was not wrong. When he hurried into the room the Chinese boy did indeed appear extremely disturbed. He carried what I assumed was his katana, but he held it slightly behind his back and I could not see it clearly.

"What's the matter?" Quatre asked, looking startled.

Wufei appeared at a loss. "W-well, I was outside, practicing my katas, and, you see..." He smoothed his jet hair back with the free hand, trying to regain his composure. "Out of nowhere this... _chicken_... just comes flying down at me from under that big tree out on the side of the house. Before I knew it I... it was simply _reflex _and I... took a swing at it and..."

He held out the formerly concealed katana. It was dripping with what I could only assume was not ketchup.

"It appears I have inadvertently cost your sister a chicken. I apologize."

Quatre stared in disbelief. The silence was deafening. As usual, Duo was the first to break it.

"Oh my _God,_ Wu!" he screamed, leaping out of his seat with enough force to make the table rock. My fresh glass of milk teetered and fell with a sploosh. "You just freakin' _murdered _a chicken! I can't believe you!"

"It was not intentional!" Wufei yelled back in dismay, dropping the soiled sword into the kitchen sink. "It just... lay there for a moment, then started to flop around like it wasn't dead yet, but its _head _was off and I..."

"Dude, you can't just go around playin' _piñata_ with the poultry!" Duo laughed hysterically. "That's worse than the fridge snakes!"

"Had I been trying to deliberately kill something it would have been _you_, Maxwell!" Wufei screamed.

Quatre had his face buried in his hands. He was muttering "Oh, Allah" over and over.

After a moment I decided that he had a right to be upset, as it was in fact his sister's bird and he was ultimately responsible for informing her of its demise, and calmly went about cleaning up my lost milk. While I was at it I wiped up a few drops of chicken blood from the linoleum, mindful of Duo's complaints that I should spend less time on my laptop and more time helping with chores. As if he of the television and comic books had any room to talk.

Speaking of the laptop... Reminded of my earlier desire to check for contacts from Preventers, I threw away the wet paper towels and opened the computer case. As I was booting it up and logging on, I kept one ear on the conversation around me.

"Where is the chicken now?" Trowa, ever the practical one, asked.

"Still out on the lawn," Wufei replied. "Why? I'm afraid we can't do anything for it at this point."

"We can pick it up and dispose of it before it begins to decay," the banged one pointed out. "And I don't like the thought of the dogs getting a hold of it. It's unsanitary."

I myself thought it a waste of perfectly good provisions. The chicken was only minutes dead, after all, and could simply be thrown into the freezer and saved for when it was needed. However, I kept this to myself and instead asked, as the rest trooped out to bury the deceased, "Quatre, where is the Internet hookup?"

He stopped, looking confused. "There isn't one."

I blinked. Absurd. "There must be one. I can't reach any wireless networks from here."

"Well, Heero, some places don't have either one. Sis doesn't even have a computer." He turned back to the others, now resolved to complete their morbid task. "Come on, guys. There's probably a shovel in the shed."

They all filed out, leaving me as near a state of shock as is possible for one of my training.

Was it possible? Was I really to be without my window to the world for an entire week? Frantically I dug into the laptop case and found my cellular phone. It was imperative that I contact Preventer base immediately and inform them that my major mode of communication had been disabled.

The cell had no connection.

I moved from the kitchen into the dining room, hoping for better reception. No connection. Beginning to perspire, I hurried to the living room. Still no connection. In a blind panic I ran out of the house and down to the end of the drive. Nothing.

"_Nooooo!_"

**O.O.O.O.O**

Reentering the house a few minutes later, somewhat more slowly, I joined the others in the kitchen once more. They had taken care of the chicken. I had coped with my lack of cell phone.

Without asking permission I rang Preventers on the house line. Desperate times do not require permission for something so trivial, and sometimes a perfect soldier must do what a perfect soldier must do.

The others no doubt found my predicament amusing.

"Come on, Hee-chan, relax." Duo took up a position behind my chair and pretended to give me a shoulder massage. "We're on vacation! You're not supposed to worry about work! Let it go... just let it drift away..."

I turned slowly and gave him one of my much-practiced death glares. Unfortunately, he is my most frequent practice subject and had become somewhat immune to it by that point. "This is serious, baka," I snapped. "We are in a virtual communications dead zone! Just imagine what would happen if there was an emergency! We would be cut off, with no way of knowing until it was too late –"

"Now stop it!" Quatre said firmly, slapping a hand down on the carved wood of the tabletop. "Don't start thinking that way. We came out here to get _away_ from pressure like that! Preventers, and the circus, _and_ my company will just have to get along without us for a few days. I trust they're all fully capable."

I looked down, avoiding comment.

"Hey, I know what we can do!" Duo said suddenly, reaching past me for the papers Quatre's sister had left. They were still resting on the table from the night before. "Let's go here to get your mind off it!"

I looked at the proffered paper. On it was the scribbled description of a creek in the woods near the house, and with it a "swimming hole." I glanced at Duo incredulously.

"Oh, come on," he cajoled, waving the paper under my nose. "It's hot today and I wanna go swimming! It'll be fun! Look, it says there's even a tire swing."

I sighed, knowing I was in for it now. If I did not go with him he would have all the more reason to harass me this week. I was also sure that the others would have something to add to the subject that was not on my behalf. "Alright."

"Woot!" He was already halfway up the stairs. "Swim time!"

I followed at a more sedate pace. If we were going to be venturing away from our temporary base, even for a little while, I was rightly going to take a few necessary precautions. No one could stop me from at least being prepared.

We descended again a few minutes later, this time in our swimming trunks. I carried my backpack, loaded with a few small but useful items. Duo had only his towel, slung over one shoulder.

"Meet you on the porch," I told him, and he happily skipped out. I momentarily stayed behind, looking into the kitchen. Quatre was on the phone, probably informing his sister of the chicken's sudden misfortune. No good.

Wufei was nowhere to be seen, but I suspected that Quatre had told him to take his bloodied katana out of doors and out of the kitchen sink before washing it off. The sound of running water from the garden hose below the kitchen window supported my theory. No good there, either.

Finally I found Trowa in the living room, playing with his rabbit. I saw without much surprise that he was trying to teach it to jump through a brightly colored hula hoop. It did not appear to be cooperating.

"I have something for you," I said in my usual monotone, delving into my backpack and handing him a walkie talkie. "Duo and I are heading out. Keep this with you and we will carry the other. They're set to frequency four."

"Roger," he muttered without much concern. The rabbit had begun to nibble the corner of the area rug. The hoop lay forgotten.

Despite my reservations I left the house, not really noticing the screen door close behind me and bounce gently open again. It was after all unlikely that we would have need of the walkie talkies. The chances of two competent former Gundam pilots needing help this far from civilization, and therefor an enemy, were slim.

Duo joined me at the bottom of the drive and we proceeded around the house and towards the woods. I took a moment to admire our surroundings.

The sun was shining brightly in a blue sky entirely free of smog. The grass, deep green and luxuriously thick, felt surprisingly good under my feet. Slightly behind and to the left of the house myriad multicolored butterflies dipped and swayed over a large field of yellow flowering plants.

"Alfalfa," I murmured, unthinkingly quoting the field guide of country flora and fauna I had read up on a few weeks ago. It was a nice enough plant with a nice enough smell, and even I was forced to admit that it made the perfect backdrop for my bright yellow Hummer, parked at the edge of the field.

I stopped, taking a closer look. I did not remember parking it there. One of the others must have moved it from the driveway. But that was not the only odd difference in the vehicle. Now that I observed it closely, it seemed almost as if the paint were moving. Squirming, as it were, writhing and moving right on the surface of the Hummer.

"Watcha lookin' at, Heero?" Duo asked, pausing and waiting for me to catch up.

I was about to answer when it hit me. I gasped, my eyes bulging. "Bees!" I choked out, staring aghast at my Hummer. My adaptable and efficient military vehicle was completely covered in a swarm of bees!

"What? No way!" Duo was back at my side in an instant, also staring in disbelief at the spectacle. He, however, seemed to think it was good thing. "That is so cool! They must have thought your car was just one big yellow flower!"

"M... my Hummer..." I uttered, as close to a whimper as I have ever been. What if the paint was scratched!

Duo scratched his own braided head. "I dunno, Heero, but I think it'll be alright. I mean, they can't get in it or anything, and they're too small to hurt it at all. It should be okay."

Reluctantly I allowed him to steer me away from my precious vehicle. I had to admit that there was nothing I could do, in any case. Trying to frighten the bees away or otherwise remove them from the Hummer would only result in angry bees and numerous stings to my person.

However, if they were still loitering when we returned I did vow to try the garden hose.

On we went.

I ran over the instructions in my mind as I was accustomed to do before missions. We were to follow the road past the house for a quarter mile, then cross back into the woods. The creek should be impossible to miss. By following the creek downstream we should find a small waterfall and, with it, the swimming hole.

Unfortunately, Duo had other ideas.

"Why should we have to walk on the road?" he complained, staring out at the trees. "It's hard and dirty and out of our way, when we could walk right through the cow pasture and be there in five minutes!"

"I think we should follow the directions that were left for us," I began, but he was already crossing the grass toward the field. I frowned, highly annoyed. A year of being without a Gundam pilot's high-stakes orders and he was ready to throw mission protocol out the proverbial window. "Duo, I don't think that's a good idea!"

"Relax, Hee-chan," he soothed, hands already gripping the top board of the fence and one foot braced on the bottom-most slat. The towel was still draped over one shoulder. "We won't bother the cows any. Heck, we won't even open the gate. In and out, real quick. It'll be_ fine_."

He was up and over before I could protest. I had no choice but to follow.

Trailing Duo through the lush, knee-high grass of the cow pasture, I kept a close eye on the cows and tried not to think about what it was possible to step in. I could almost imagine my companion's shrill screams of disgust. The thought almost made me smile... until he began to sing.

"Ol' McDonald had a farm, ee-aye ee-aye ooh..."

Across the field, bovine heads lifted from the grass. They stared at us curiously. As I could feel no outright malice from the herd, I let the singing go. I was still bothered, however.

"And on this farm he had some... _cows_... ee-aye ee-aye ooh..."

The cows continued to stare. They were not moving, but they were beginning to make me feel slightly nervous. Especially so was the large black animal closest to our current position. It marked our progress with great intensity, a large clump of grass hanging from the corner of its mouth.

"With a 'moo, moo' here..." Duo sang obliviously.

The large black cow began to move toward us. It moved steadily and with great determination. I was becoming agitated. "Ne... Duo..."

"... and a 'moo, moo" there..."

The animal continued to come closer. In moments I could clearly see that it was taller and more muscular than any of the others. More importantly than that, it had a pair of long, sharp horns jutting proudly from its forehead. I now became distinctly alarmed. This had to be a male, and we were smack in the center of its territory, a possible threat to its herd. "Duo..."

"...here a moo.."

The male cow increased its pace, coming faster. "Duo."

"...there a moo..."

It lowered its head menacingly, trotting now. "Duo!"

"...everywhere a 'moo, moo'..."

"Duo, please stop singing..." I was sweating now, attempting to walk faster while looking nonthreatening. I glanced behind me. It didn't work. The animal did not slow, was in fact gaining rapidly. And that was when Duo, all unknowingly, sealed our fate.

"Ol' McDonald had a farm," he sang at the top of his lungs, pulling the bright red towel off his shoulder.

I could only watch as he happily began to twirl it over his head to the enthusiastic finish of the song. My eyes followed it helplessly, a spinning blur of fire engine red. Around and around it went, a streak of crimson in the bright sun...

The animal charged.

"...eeee-aye eeee-aye ooooooooh–!"

"Duo, _run!_" I yelled, seizing him by the wrist and sprinting for the only cover available; a large shade tree in the middle of the pasture.

"Heero, what the–? Holy _shit!_"

Duo was the one practically dragging me by the time we reached the tree. We swung up into the branches barely in time, the animal crashing furiously into the trunk just inches under our bare feet. Enraged, it stormed around the base of the tree, snorting and pawing the ground.

"Stupid cow!" Duo yelled from the lowest of the thick branches. He swung the towel at it, trying to scare it into backing down. Unfortunately, the gesture was apparently interpreted as a challenge. "Buzz off! Go away!"

"Stop swinging that thing!" I demanded. "You're only making it angrier."

"What?" When he paused to glance up at me, the animal partially rose on its hind legs, viciously swiping its horns at the towel. At that height, it could nearly touch the branch.

"Duo, that's not safe!" I cried in alarm. As soon as we had gained the tree I had pulled myself higher into the branches, but I saw now that Duo was still much too low. "Drop the towel and climb higher!"

He laughed. "It's okay, Heero, it can't reach me. Watch, I bet I can make it chase it's tail!" He began to twirl the towel behind the animal. Indeed, it did begin to run in a circle, chasing the maddening object.

"Duo, I will not tell you again, get up here!"

"Geez, Heero, will you just chill ou–"

The animal lunged once more, rising higher on its back legs and slamming its horns into the branch. The bough bounced and swayed. There was a squeal of surprise from Duo, who moments later found himself hanging by one hand, dangling from the tree like a ripe fruit in full reach of the rampaging creature.

It was the towel that saved him. The rectangle of heavy red fabric landed squarely on the animal's face, tangling in the horns. While it was thus occupied shaking and pawing its head to be rid of the nuisance, Duo was able to scramble back up to safety.

"_Now _will you listen to me?" I asked calmly.

White as a sheet, he nodded so quickly his braid smacked him in the face. "Heero, that thing's crazy! It's probably got rabies or something! Make it go away!"

I nodded my agreement. Now that we were temporarily out of harm's way, I was able to fully examine our situation. And what a strange one it was for two former Gundam pilots, trained for every possible threat to our safety... except this one.

The enemy was still circling the base of the tree. It did not look likely to tire any time soon. I estimated the fence to be over sixty meters away. I did not know how fast cows could run, but odds were good we could not beat it there.

Seeking other options, I unzipped my backpack.

The first thing my hand closed upon was my gun. I hesitated. In other instances I would not have thought twice about using it, and this did qualify as a necessary circumstance. However, Quatre's relatives had already lost one of their number of livestock that day, and I did not think it prudent to kill the cow. Much larger than the chicken, it would undoubtedly be the more missed.

The next object pulled forth, a Preventer issue handheld taser, likewise was not practical. I would have to leave the safety of the tree and physically come into contact with the animal to use it. Besides, it was a very large cow. I did not fully trust the shock to do anything more than anger it even further.

That left only one option. I did not relish it, but it seemed that it was going to become necessary. Pulling out the walkie talkie, I radioed for help.

"Come in, Heavyarms," I demanded through the static, unconsciously falling back into our battlefield lingo. "Pilot 03, do you copy, over."

There were a few moments of pops and crackles before a voice answered. "Heero? Is that you?"

"Wufei?"

"Roger. What's wrong? Do you require assistance?"

"Affirmative. Let me talk to Trowa. He knows how to handle large, dangerous animals." I could hear Wufei's unspoken query. "Don't ask. I'll explain later."

After a few seconds I heard Trowa's voice. "Heero?"

"Trowa. What do you know about cows?" I was about to explain our dilemma when Duo snatched the device from me.

"Trowa! We're stuck in a tree and there's this insane cow with huge horns after us and we can't get down! Do something!" he bawled, sounding nearly hysterical. I think his near fall onto the prongs of fate had shaken him a bit.

There was startled silence from Trowa. "Oh. Okay. It must be a bull. They're full of testosterone, so they can become angry very easily. I'll see what I can do. Over."

So Duo and I sat in the tree in our swimsuits watching the bull mill around the trunk, waiting for Trowa to think of a plan. I wished I had some tear gas. What had possessed me to leave both canisters in my duffle bag at the house, I did not know. I should know enough by now to be prepared for anything. Floods. Fire. Nuclear war. Relena invasion. "Expect everything," was a favorite saying of Dr. J's.

After a little while the walkie talkie crackled to life once more. "Heero?"

"Pilot 01 here. Describe your mission details, over."

Trowa likewise snapped back to pilot lingo. "We have located a set of red bed sheets. Pilots 04 and 05 will stand just inside the gate and use them to lure the enemy away from you. They will then jump back over the fence and I will try to entice and keep the animal distracted with a bucket of feed. When your tree is clear, run. Over."

I could hear Wufei in the background throughout, complaining loudly as per his habit. "This is never going to work! Barton, I... are you even listening? Quatre, can't you do something about this? You and I are going to be gored!"

Quatre said something that was muffled by static.

"Well I understand that they are in danger, but that does not make me a matador, dammit!" Wufei yelled in his most exasperated tone. "I know nothing about taming wild cows!"

"It's not a cow, it's a bull," Trowa said calmly. Then to us, "Sit tight, you two. We'll be right there."

Duo grabbed my wrist and yelled into the speaker. "Hurry, Tro! This cow wants us dead, I mean it!"

"It's a bull," Trowa repeated a bit more firmly.

"Trowa," Quatre called in the background amid much scuffling, " should we wave the sheet back and forth or up and down when we distract the cow?"

"It's a _bull_," Trowa said again, louder.

I was getting impatient. "Affirmative!" I snapped. "You may begin operation cow distraction, ov–"

"I said it's a _**BULL!**_" Trowa screamed.

Startled by the outburst and the screeching static that followed, Duo dropped the walkie talkie. It hit the bull directly between the eyes, sending it into another raging, snorting, stomping fury. In moments the walkie talkie was in pieces, the pieces trampled into the grass.

So we were back to waiting, our only communication destroyed. Duo sat in silence for a few minutes, then suddenly giggled. "Hey, Heero, know what?"

"What?" I gritted.

"If one of us jumped on that thing's back from here, we'd have a rodeo! That'd be cool, don't ya think? Wouldn't it? Huh?"

I stared at the boy who had singlehandedly brought about my current humiliating and uncomfortable position. Before I could shove him out of the tree, however, there was a flash of red from across the field. From our perch we could clearly see Quatre and Wufei waving the sheets. Trowa stood near them shaking a pail. All three were yelling loudly.

The bull took the bait.

When it was halfway across the field and well away from the tree, I gave Duo a shove. "Go," I commanded.

Throwing my backpack over one shoulder I leapt from the branch, Duo following closely. He snatched up his towel, now sporting several large rips and tears, and we sprinted for the fence. In record time we were up, over, and panting on the other side.

Straightening, I peered back over the fence. The enemy had forgotten us. There was no charging bull intent on breaking through all barriers to taste our blood.

Satisfied, I turned to my partner. I expected nothing less from him than a full apology for his recent foolishness, disregarding the rules and almost getting the both of us killed. Had the war still been on, Dr. G would have had his hide.

After a moment of gasping for breath, Duo abruptly stood. I waited patiently. Then, smoothly patting his hair back into place, he gave me a charming and altogether calm grin. "Well, that worked out nicely."

I punched him in the stomach.

**O.O.O.O.O**

"From now on, when I say not to do something, I expect you not to do it."

"Yeah, yeah."

"This includes but is not limited to climbing fences, swinging things at angry animals, and shoving me down a steep embankment, even in a playful manner."

"Whatever, Heero, whatever."

We were trooping down the center of the creek, ankle deep and sometimes deeper in ice cold stream water. Both of us were covered in mud, leaves and twigs from our spill down the side. Had we been on a reconnaissance mission it would have been the perfect camouflage. Duo had of course jokingly pushed me, and I had obligingly pulled him along by way of his braid when the soft bank soil crumbled beneath me.

"You are aware that loosening up can, on occasion, lead to having fun?" he asked me.

"If being treed by a charging bull, running for my life, and tumbling twenty feet down a hill into forty five degree water could be classified as fun in any way..." I began.

"Oh, never mind," he grumbled as we reached the swimming area.

A waterfall roughly the height of an average man spilled over a rocky ledge. Uneven stone steps carved naturally by the rushing water led down the side of the fall, into a large pool which I immediately entered despite the cold to wash off the mud and debris. The water came up nearly to the top of my chest.

"Banzai!" Duo yelled as he left the flying swing made of thick rope and a decrepit tractor tire. He landed directly on top of me. Why I have gone so long without fulfilling my almost daily death threats, even I do not fully understand. Dr. J would be so disappointed in me.

Half stalking, half swimming away from the braided hurricane, I looked around me.

This was an ideal area for an emergency base. Pure, clear water almost completely shaded by tall trees, only touched here or there with a sparkling sunbeam reflecting in its pools. The occasional frog leapt from a rock or fallen, moss-covered log to swim away downstream. Dragonflies flittered back and forth across the water's surface. I could make out the tracks of deer and some sort of large wading bird in the mud at the waters edge.

Duo was happily cavorting near the center of the pool. I supposed that this was one of those simple, natural delights that those of us raised on colonies do not get to experience often. That in mind, I admitted silently that I could try just a bit harder to enjoy myself.

Suddenly though Duo let out a "Yipe!" and stopped splashing, glaring intently down into the water.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Something just touched my leg."

"It was probably a frog," I stated.

"It didn't feel like a frog. It felt... pricklier. Maybe a fish?"

"Not likely." Other than this particular spot, I doubted that the creek was deep enough to support fish. "Just ignore it. I doubt it is a threat."

"Yeah, I guess." But Duo did not move, and in another moment stifled another yelp. "There it was again! It's messing with my toes now!"

"Don't move," I told him with a sigh. "Let the water settle and I'll see what it is."

We both remained still for some minutes, letting the natural flow of the stream return the water to its previously clear state. When all the sediment had once again settled to the bottom, I took a breath and went under, carefully to avoid clouding the water again. At once I located the source of my friend's annoyance and, closing my hand firmly around it, brought it to the surface.

"Whoa!" Duo exclaimed when I held it out to him. "It's a mini lobster!"

"Crayfish," I corrected. "Commonly known as crawdad." The thing was latched onto my thumb by its largest pincher. It hurt mildly, but not nearly enough to be harmful or even distracting. It disengaged, gave a powerful flip of its tail, and disappeared back into the water. "Satisfied?"

"Yep. Hey, what's under here?" Losing interest in the crawdad, Duo disappeared behind the waterfall.

"Anything?" I asked, mildly curious. I could hear vague splashing, nearly drowned out by the fall, and Duo's voice, strangely echoing and muted by the curtain of rushing water.

"Yeah!" he answered. "There's a ledge in here... it's kinda like a little cave! I can sorta stand up, even. Eww, it's all drippy and slimy!"

"Then come out," I suggested reasonably.

"Nah, it's okay. I just wanna see..."

I could see his shadow moving behind the water. The crawdads were at it again, tickling my toes. A frog croaked. Then, from under the waterfall, a horrible scream.

Duo leapt out from behind the spray headfirst, landing back in the pool with an enormous splash. "My foot!" he yowled, kicking and thrashing the water to white foam. "Something's got my _foot!_"

I saw with some alarm that there was indeed something hanging from his right foot, being propelled in a circle due to his excitement. I hoped he had not stepped in some sort of trap behind the fall.

"Hold, still," I commanded, grabbing his leg as it kicked up out of the water. This inadvertently caused him to fall backwards and submerge, but I was able to see the problem clearly.

There was a turtle biting his middle toe. Its sharply pointed beak and unique markings identified it as a young snapping turtle, it's shell the size of my hand. The toe was bleeding, and I did not think Duo should be upside down in the water for long. The turtle needed to be removed. Placing my forefinger and thumb on either side of its beak, I squeezed gently. I wanted it to let go of its mistaken prey, but I did not want to accidentally break its jaw.

My approach worked. The turtle popped loose and fell into the water with a 'ker-plunk!' I hauled Duo upright, pounding him on the back as he coughed and cursed. I let him vent his anger for a moment while I decided what to do. The toe wound was not serious, but perhaps standing in the water was not such a good idea considering creek microorganisms and bacteria.

"We should go back and find something that will disinfect..." I began, when a sudden severe pain from the region of my swim shorts effectively distracted me. My first thought was of torture, electric battery clamps attached to one's most sensitive area in the attempt to make one tell all... Investigating it immediately, I pulled forth another crawdad.

Through his pain, Duo sniggered.

Momentarily forgetting both self control and propriety, I lobbed the crustacean as far upstream as I possibly could. It went quite some distance. "We're leaving," I said pointedly, picking up my backpack. "Right now."

For once, Duo had no complaints.

**O.O.O.O.O**

An unfortunate episode involving leeches later, we arrived back in the kitchen of our temporary base, one of us with a severe limp. No one else was in a better mood.

For some reason the screen door had not latched properly and, while the others were outdoors investigating the barns and playing catch with the dogs, the house had miraculously filled with a swarm of flying insects.

Trowa had immediately seized a flyswatter and Wufei had gone for the aerosol can of poison under the sink, but there had been no dent made in the enemy until Quatre had decided to suck them into the vacuum cleaner. Now as Duo and I sat at the table bandaging his foot, they were cleaning up the remainder that had died via swat or poison.

"And what would you bet," Wufei grumbled, "that we'll be sweeping up their tiny little corpses for the rest of the weekend?"

I pulled a stray salamander out of Duo's braid while he was distracted. Maybe it would be prudent to offer him first use of the shower. As he limped off up the stairs to the bathroom, however, my countenance became grim.

I did not know what lay in store for us in the remaining three days of our "vacation," but I did know one thing. Beginning tomorrow, I would be much, _much_ better prepared.

That thought firmly in mind, I followed Duo upstairs. The first thing I needed to do was check my ammunition...

**O.O.O.O.O**

To Be Continued.

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**(2****nd****) Author's Note:** Whew! Writing is a good summertime activity, because you move little and conserve bodily coolness. Anyhow... What horrible, hillbilly-esque fate still awaits for our city-boy heroes? And, more importantly, will they really be forced to do... _that?!_ Find out soon in chapter three!


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: **Chapter three already? Boy, I'm on a roll! Though, in all honesty, what's more fun than writing when it's so hot and humid you feel like you're sitting in a hot bath no matter what you do? Move as little as possible... drink enough iced diet soda to float an aircraft carrier... eat lots of fruit straight from the fridge... that is my new summertime regime. Well, that said, please enjoy the chapter, and thank you, as always, to my great reviewers!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own these boys, or their Gundams, or anything else. If I did, Wufei would have been a costumed super hero, fighting for Truth and (more importantly) Justice. And his cute little animal sidekick would have been a panda.

**For Your Info:** This chapter rightfully belongs to Wufei. I figure since he'll probably be facing up to his greatest fear, he should go now and have the rest of the story to recuperate.

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

It seems one of the great ironies of life that, at the beginning of any given summer holiday, someone does not want to go. They beg, whine, scream and complain against accompanying the rest of the group or family, all to no avail. And then, magically, when the trip has been completed, they do exactly the same number in reverse, begging, whining, screaming, and complaining against going home.

Not so with this particular vacation. We had only officially been on vacation for two days, been in residence at Quatre's family's home for just over one, and I was ready to be gone. There was no meaningful work to do, no television to watch, no Internet (much to the borderline trauma of Yuy) and no air conditioning. The animals were annoying and the insects were horrible.

I thought all this on the second night of our trip, falling slowly asleep in my guest room despite the constant hootings, chirpings, and howlings outside my window. Little did I know what the third day of our little "adventure" would bring...

**O.O.O.O.O**

I was awoken just after dawn by an almighty crash from downstairs. I glared around at nothing in particular for a moment, debating on whether or not I really wanted to know what had happened. I could hear no one else stirring in the house. It was up to me, then, whether I wanted to or not.

So began the third day.

_Only two days to go, _I reminded myself as I dressed, in shorts and my blue tank top to combat the heat. _That is not so bad. You can always catch up on your reading..._

Somewhat cheered by the idea of a good book and a glass of cold lemonade in the hammock in the backyard, I quickly made the bed and went to investigate the crash. Making my way downstairs, I was confronted by the biggest mess I have seen to date outside of a war zone.

The kitchen was in shambles.

The screen door was hanging lopsided by one hinge. The pantry doors were open wide, the dry goods scattered and tossed about the room. Elbow maccaroni crunched under my bare feet as I walked disbelievingly to the middle of the floor.

Everything that had been placed on top of the cabinets was destroyed. Flour and sugar canisters had been spilled and scattered like new snow. The bowl of strawberries was turned over, smearing part of the counter top bright red.

The refrigerator likewise was open, it's contents either consumed or splashed and thrown all over the floor and cabinets. The milk jug had overturned, still dripping off the top shelf into a large puddle at the base of the appliance. There were worms swimming in there too, I noticed. The Styrofoam bait canisters had been chewed apart.

And, worst of all, the vegetable drawer was open. The snakes were gone.

Under the table, hunkered down amid the overturned chairs, were the dogs.

"Get out of here!" I screamed, kicking the chairs out of the way. Looking perfectly guilty and equally terrified, the three animals beat a hasty retreat. They seemed to fly under the broken door and off the porch. I followed in hot pursuit, stopping only at the bottom step of the veranda. "And _STAY _out!"

Breathing heavily, I returned inside. I was not going to clean up that mess on my own. Upstairs I went, nearly dragging Barton and Winner back down with me. Yuy and Maxwell were strangely absent, but I did not think much of it at the time. I had other things on my mind.

"What's the matter, Wufei?" Barton yawned.

"Just look at this mess!" I demanded, pulling my captives into the kitchen. They were suitably shocked. I pointed to the paw prints in the milk and flour. "The dogs," I said firmly, "should stay outdoors."

"Now, wait a second!" Winner protested. "I put them out before I went to bed last night! And I closed and locked _both_ of the doors, not just the screen."

The three of us stared at each other for a few moments.

"I will get the mop," I sighed.

As soon as the others had dressed and Barton had seen to his rabbit, we set about putting the kitchen to rights. I mopped up the milk and the rest of the liquid messes while Barton wiped and straightened the counters.

Winner swept up the flour, sugar, and dried pasta, then picked up all the chairs and replaced them around the table. "Bad, _bad_ dogs!" he scolded when three furry faces appeared at the door. "Go on, back outside. It looks like you've already had enough breakfast."

"On that note, is anyone else concerned that almost all our food is gone?" Barton remarked casually.

Winner wasn't. "We'll go to town this afternoon and get more," he reassured as he checked the fridge. "Hey, there's a gallon of tea in here that didn't get dumped! Anybody want some?"

Barton and I both passed. It seems neither of us are the biggest fans of tea, hot or cold.

"Suit yourself," Winner shrugged, pouring himself a glass. Dropping in some ice cubes, he took a large gulp. Tea sprayed everywhere. "Oh, yuck!" he yelled, frantically scrubbing at his mouth. "It's _disgusting!_"

"Why?" Barton asked, surprised. "What's wrong with it?"

"Too... _sweet!_ It's like... like _sugar water!_ I didn't even taste _tea_ in that tea! Eww!"

I blinked. Oh. Obviously it had been sweet tea, a drink commonly associated with that part of the country. I supposed it had been aptly named. Winner poured it firmly down the sink.

Suddenly I heard footsteps on the porch. We had been so busy with the sweet tea incident I hadn't even heard a vehicle pull into the yard. Idly I wondered who it could be. Did they even know that the family in residence was away at the moment?

"Hello...? What's going on in here?"

The screen door teetered on its one hinge as Yuy and Maxwell came into the house. They gazed around the kitchen at the mop and bucket, broom, and wads of paper towels.

"Watcha doin', guys?" Maxwell asked. "Spring cleaning?"

I grimaced. "Something like that. You two could have helped. Where were you?"

"We went for supplies," Maxwell said defensively, clutching a large pizza box to his chest. Yuy was protectively cradling a paper sack in his arms. It appeared to be full of miscellaneous bits of pipe and wire, and bottles of household cleaners. I decided not to ask.

"You bought other food besides pizza, I hope?" Winner inquired.

"Uh, no, not exactly." Maxwell quickly found something else to look at. "Oh, and by the way, we borrowed fifty bucks from you."

"Oh. Okay... was it my card, or the cash?"

"The cash. But don't worry, though, I'll totally pay you back when we get home." The braided one dropped into a chair at the table, fishing another slice of pizza out of the box. It sounded almost empty. "So, what happened? Why the cleaning?"

"The dogs somehow got inside and made a mess of things," Barton explained. "They ate what amounts to everything edible in this house. As you can see, they broke the screen door and came right into the kitchen."

"Uh, yeah. Must have been those dogs!" Maxwell said loudly, a look of complete guilt on his face.

I stared at him in disbelief.

He looked uncomfortable. "What?"

"You mean to tell me," I said slowly, "that you and Yuy left this house at the crack of dawn to go for pizza and Mr. Clean, and in doing so broke the screen door, and yet you neglected to close the outer door or inform any of the rest of us?"

There was silence.

"...couldn't get the screen unlatched," Maxwell mumbled petulantly.

"...was going to fix it... got back," muttered Yuy, staring fixedly into his bag.

More silence.

"Well..." Winner finally spoke up, attempting to get things in order. "What's done is done. We've cleaned as best we can and we can always buy more food. Until then Trowa and I can go out to the barn and see what Sis has stashed in the freezer. But... let's try to be more careful next time?"

"Right."

"Affermative."

That cleared, theblonde and the banged oneheaded for the barn. Barton, however, waited for Winner to leave before looking back over his shoulder with a small, almost smug smile on his face. "Oh, and don't forget there are now ten to fifteen snakes loose in the house. If you come across any, just put them out in the yard, okay?"

Maxwell immediately folded his legs up onto the seat of the chair and off the ground with a shudder. "I _hate_ snakes!"

"Then don't move," Yuy said, calmly reaching past his braided companion and grabbing an unforseen reptilian tail hanging out of the birdcage. Maxwell immediately scrambled away, looking terrified.

The parakeet was nowhere to be seen. However, the snake did have a rather noticeable bulge in it's middle, probably what kept in from slithering out of the cage in the first place. It was now too fat to escape.

"Poor bird," Maxwell whimpered.

Yuy took the snake out onto the porch and dropped it off in a clump of vibrantly flowering rhododendron bushes. Sated by its recent meal, it made no protest of the handling, sneaking off under the porch. The belt-maker would undoubtedly weep.

"I'm going upstairs to... unpack," Yuy said when he returned to the kitchen. "Then I'll fix the door."

After he had departed Maxwell and I sat staring at one another, wondering whether we should tell Winner about the fate of the bird or let him find out on his own. I threw away a clump of greasy napkins poking from the pizza box. There were a few precious seconds of calm.

"I think we should tell him," I finally decided, moving to the sink to wash the grease off my hands. "If he notices the bird is gone without being informed, he might think he is losing his mind."

"Yeah," Maxwell agreed, chewing thoughtfully at a crust. "Either way he's gonna feel responsible. He'll want to buy his sister another bird..."

I nodded. He was probably right. It was after all our fault that their parakeet had gone to its ancestors, in a roundabout way.

As I stood at the kitchen sink, methodically washing my hands and pondering the dynamics of ourselves as related to the animals currently in our care, a large object struck the window with jarring force. It stuck to the sill, beating its wings and viciously pecking the glass.

It was a rooster.

"What on Earth...?" I was taken aback. Why would a rooster suddenly do a suicide dive into the window? It made no sense.

"Well, obviously it's after you, Wufei," Maxwell said from his seat at the table.

"What? That's absurd," I snorted. "Poultry do not prey on humans. Even you should know that, Maxwell."

"I dunno. Think about it, Wu. You've done something to make him hate you. You took out that other chicken yesterday, and he knows it. You killed his lady, and now he's _pissed!_ Now you must pay!"

By this point the braided baka was laughing hysterically.

"That is ridiculous, Maxwell!" I yelled, cranking open the window to push the rooster, still squawking and attacking, off the sill. "Chickens have no concept of revenge! It probably has ten other chickens just like the first one to choose from, so why would it care if that particular one was killed?"

Maxwell shrugged. "Maybe they were married."

"Chickens, do not participate nor join in holy wedlock!" I screamed. This was getting out of hand. Very suddenly I had a mental picture of a tiny poultry wedding... the brave wife trying in vain to drive intruders away from her tree, leading to her untimely death... and then the grieving husband, bent on retribution, out to bring the murderer to justice...

I shook my head viciously. That scenario was just a _bit_ too familiar for my liking.

The stupid thing was still clinging tenaciously to the wooden window frame. I growled. If it tore the screen there would be one less animal in the chicken coop that evening.

"Shoo! Scat! Get off of there!" Suddenly Winner's hands appeared, plucking the rooster off the window and tossing it gently out into the yard. "I swear, Trowa, I don't know what's wrong with these animals!"

Moments later he and Barton had returned to the kitchen, which seemed by unspoken agreement to have become central command. For some reason, Barton looked upset. _Here we go again, _I thought.

"So?" Maxwell queried. "Did you find anything to eat?"

Barton and Winner exchanged glances. "We think once it was probably a coyote."

"Uh... 'probably'?"

"It looked like it had been savaged by a dog. Or blown apart." Barton looked miserable. "Quatre, the things these people do to animals! It's not right! You could buy a belt or a decent lunch right there in town without _killing–_"

"I know, I know!" Winner too looked upset. "It's all her husband's doing, and just for the record, I was against the wedding. But in regards to Duo's question... no. Nothing I'd be comfortable eating. We'll have to go into town."

"I'll go with you," Barton volunteered.

Once it had been decided, Winner only had to grab his wallet from Maxwell and the keys to the Hummer from Yuy before they were off.

"Use caution when you first approach," Yuy warned them as he handed over the keys. "The bees have yet to leave the paint."

Maxwell and I watched them go.

"I hope they bring cookies," Maxwell sighed. "Well, Wu, I guess we're alone for awhile. Wanna explore the attic with me? Looks like it'd be absolutely huge from outside."

I had my doubts. "Would the owners appreciate you rummaging in their belongings?"

"Nah, they won't care. It's an attic, not their bedroom."

"Should we ask Yuy as well?"

Maxwell hesitated. "Uh, Heero's kinda _busy_ right now. I don't think he'll wanna. Come on, let's go!"

And so I found myself trailing the braided one towards the stairs, ready to spend the afternoon mucking around in a sweltering, dirty attic. _We cannot roll much further down this hill, _I thought as we climbed the steps. How wrong I was...

**O.O.O.O.O**

It was nearly one o'clock when we heard the Hummer coming back.

Taking it as our cue, we left the confines of the attic for the slightly cooler and much less dusty freedom of the kitchen. It had been an..._ interesting_ morning.

In one corner of the enormous attic, Maxwell had managed to locate a large box of costumes and props. He had gone headfirst into the box, only to emerge dressed as a pirate captain complete with velvet cape and big, floppy hat with a feather plume in the brim. Waving a plunger in leu of a sword, he'd called me a scurvy dog and demanded a duel. I pulled the hat down over his eyes.

Now, sitting in the kitchen with glasses of ice water, we were joined by Yuy. He smelled like chemicals and gunpowder and had a very satisfied look on his face. "We are now prepared," he announced.

I did not ask. Maxwell nodded as if he understood, so I decided to leave it at that.

Winner and Barton made a welcome distraction. I rose to help them bring in the groceries, but paused. They did not appear to have anything. Winner had an odd look on his face. Barton looked tired.

"Didja get the grub?" Maxwell asked, oblivious.

"Nope," Winner answered just as flippantly, tossing the keys onto the cabinet and dropping into a chair.

Maxwell blinked. "Huh? Why?"

"Well, it _appears_," Barton said with deceptive calm, "that they do not accept credit in any store in that tiny little backwater town. And we can't find Quatre's checkbook."

"And _someone_--" I here took up the story with a withering glare at Maxwell and Yuy, the volume of my voice rising quickly and without my conscious control "–spent the only cash money we had on pizza and _arson supplies! _This is wonderful! Now we are stranded in the middle of nowhere with no food! "

"Wufei, calm down," Winner implored pleadingly, raising his hands in a peaceful gesture. "They couldn't have known... Hey, where's Chirpy?"

He was looking at the birdcage.

I stopped ranting momentarily to trade looks with Maxwell. He shook his head 'no.'

"Sorry, Quat,"the American said soothingly, "Chirpy's gone. I guess he musta gotten out when the dogs trashed the kitchen. I'm really sorry..."

Winner moaned, dropping his head into his arms. "Great. That's great. No food, no money, no checkbook, and now my niece's parakeet is gone. What else could_ possibly_ go wrong?"

"Uh, no fish?" Maxwell pointed meekly at the bowl on top of the microwave, wherein a small green and tan snake was coiled, all but its eyes and nostrils submerged. The three goldfish had vanished.

Winner honestly looked ready to cry.

"What am I going to tell Katie?" he wailed, burying his face in his hands. "She won those fish at the fair! A six-year-old kept them alive for two years and I've let them die in two _days!_"

"Uh, it wasn't exactly your fault," Maxwell began, but Winner paid him no heed.

"Oh, and let's not forget that Chirpy flew the coop," he continued miserably. "How am I going to explain _that?_ Now all that's left is the hamster... Oh, Allah, the hamster!" Suddenly he shot to his feet and ran for the stairs. "If the hamster gets eaten it's all over!"

"I'm going to check Thumper," Barton said hurriedly, and likewise ran from the room.

I snorted. It was doubtful that any of the escaped snakes were big enough to handle that rabbit anyway. But even so... No use in being lax in security.

I took the empty fish bowl out into the yard and dumped it, snake and all, into the weeds. Two down, roughly a dozen to go. Kicking away the rooster that had tried a surprise attack on my bare legs, I sighed. Were not vacations a time to _relieve_ stress?

Headed back inside the house I was met by Maxwell and Barton going out.

"We're gonna check the Hummer again," Maxwell informed me, "and see if we can find the checkbook. You can help Heero look inside, if you wanna."

As if I had anything else to do. Replacing the bowl, I went to assist Yuy. We searched for a good half hour, thoroughly checking the living room and dining room. No luck. We were about to search the kitchen when the two came back inside.

"Did you find it?" I inquired.

"Well, not exactly. But we did find this." Maxwell looked a bit uncomfortable as he held out one of the agricultural fair brochures that Winner had stuffed into the Hummer's console. It was the one that detailed different events and their date and time.

Barton nodded. "We think we might have a plan."

"A plan for what?" asked Yuy.

"To get us some cash. Family meeting!" Maxwell yelled decisively, motioning us all to sit at the table. "You too, Quat."

The blonde had just come back downstairs. "Uh, okay. Trowa, I moved Thumper up to Katie's room with the hamster and locked the door. You don't think those snakes could... get up those stairs... do you?"

"Probably not. Come sit down. Duo and I have an idea."

Winner took a seat and the powwow began. Maxwell spread the brochure over the tabletop.

"This right here," he announced, pointing at a block of words on the paper. "Me and Trowa talked this over, see, and we think we've really got a shot at some cash."

I glanced up at him incredulously. "A group karaoke contest?"

"Yeah! Remember when we all sang at the Preventers Christmas party?"

"I try not to..."

"Everybody complimented us! Noin even said we could form our own boy band, remember?"

"Noin was drunk, just like everyone else."

"And I bet everybody at this contest tonight will be, too!" Maxwell declared triumphantly, as if he had made a major point. "It'll be a piece of cake! Think about it, guys. The winners get two hundred and fifty dollars! That's more than enough to buy food for the rest of the weekend. And Quatre, while we're at the fair you can get some more goldfish for your niece. She'll never know the difference!"

"Well..." I could tell Winner was thinking it over. "I guess we could at least give it a try..."

"I have no objections," Yuy decided. "As it was partially by my error we lost our supply of rations, I feel obligated to participate. But only on one condition. I carry my gun as usual. If we are going to be drawing that kind of attention to ourselves, I insist that we have at least one weapon at our immediate disposal."

"Okay," Maxwell agreed immediately. "You can keep the gun. It's a costume karakoke contest anyway, so we can either make the gun and holster part of your look or hide it under the outfit."

I sighed. Arguing would do no good, if Yuy and Winner had agreed to idea. "I suppose I am in, as well."

"Awesome!" Maxwell was all smiles. "We'll win this for sure!"

"The contest begins this evening at nine o'clock," Barton informed us. "Twenty one hundred hours. Even allowing time to get there and register, that's plenty of time to find a costume and get ready."

I considered the box of costumes in the attic. I could go as a samurai, perhaps, or a Musketeer. Perhaps this might not be so bad after all.

"Okay, then," Winner said brightly. "Meeting adjourned to look for costumes?"

"Sure." Barton nodded as we began to leave the table. "However..."

I paused.

"There is one small detail that we declined to mention."

Winner was at the sink, filling a glass with water. "Oh? What's that, Trowa?" he asked lightly, taking a drink.

"It's a ladies' contest." Maxwell said it all in one breath. "We'll have to go in drag."

My eyes bulged. Yuy froze. Winner nearly choked on his water.

"_W-what?_" the blonde coughed, thumping himself on the chest and staring at the two of them with huge eyes. "_What_ did you say?"

"He said," Barton repeated slowly and with great deliberation, "that it is a women's contest. We will all have to pretend to be women in order to compete and have a chance for the prize."

"You mean wear dresses and makeup?" Yuy asked with a frown. "And act as if we are female?"

"Yeah, that's about the gist of it."

"No." I put my foot down immediately. "Forget it."

"But, Wu...!" Maxwell whined.

"Put the idea from your mind, Maxwell! There is no way on this Earth that I will_ ever_ masquerade as a woman! Not for _any _reason!"

"So you'd rather starve for three days?" he demanded, braid swinging wildly as he spun to face Winner and Yuy. "Think about it, guys! No drag means no contest, and no contest means no prize money, and no prize money means no food! That, to me, seems like a very good reason to put on a dress!"

Barton nodded. "I agree. I have also considered this in great detail. I believe that wearing a feminine costume and playing the part of a teenaged girl will not be so different from wearing my clown costume and performing at the circus. In either case one has a role to play. One is able to distance oneself from who one is every day and concentrate on the act."

I stared at him blankly.

"Also in either case, no one knows who you really are. That helps a lot."

"Well, I _guess_ so..." Winner was wavering.

"But _we_ know who we really are!" I yelled.

"Come on, Wufei," Maxwell sighed, holding up the paper. "Let's grow up a little and get over it. The minimum number of girls for each karaoke group is five, it says so right here. There are exactly five of us. If you're not in, no one is, and all we got to eat is frozen coyote with buckshot. We need you."

I began to stammer. I broke out into a cold sweat. Was that true? Might I have to sacrifice my pride for the sake of my companions?

"No! I won't do it!"

"But, Wufei..." Winner began hesitantly. "It... doesn't sound _that_ bad, does it? If it gets us money to eat?"

"Exactly!" Maxwell exclaimed. "And it won't be that hard to look like babes, anyway. All we need is a dress, some makeup, the right hairstyle, maybe some socks stuffed in a bra... And besides, aren't country girls supposed to have muscles? We'll pass as chicks, no problem."

Winner nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah... yeah, I guess that _could_ work..."

I could not believe it. Everyone else was actually beginning to agree to this madness! But wait. Yuy had not acquiesced. Maybe there was still hope!

Yuy was staring silently at the rest of us. The cogs and gears were working, turning in that terrorist brain of his. Any moment now, I knew, he would announce that they were all insane. Yes, any _moment_ now...

"You know... all the theater groups of ancient Japan were made up of men," he said. "Also those of England and ancient Rome. I see no reason why we could not pull off a similar farce. Mission accepted."

"_NO!_" I shrieked. I could not help it. I could feel my masculinity slipping away even as they spoke. "I will not do it! I will not! I do not care how hungry I become! I will _not_...!"

My stomach chose that moment to rumble loudly.

Maxwell and Barton swapped knowing, almost triumphant glances. "He's in."

"Don't sweat it, Wu-man," Maxwell grinned. "I saw the cutest little Chinese dress up there in the costume chest. You'll look great!"

"I do not wear 'cute little' _anythings,_ Maxwell!" I screamed, but there was no response. Everyone else was heading for the stairs, already intent on their costumes. "Maxwell? _Maxwell!_ This is... _this is... INJUSTICE!_"

**O.O.O.O.O**

Four o'clock that evening marked twenty four hours since I'd last eaten, having foolishly bypassed dinner the night before in favor of a solitary stroll around the farm. By five I was becoming noticeably uncomfortable, my stomach growling constantly. By seven I was resigned to the dress.

It was indeed, as Maxwell had said, a cute little thing. It was bright red, sleeveless, with slits up to the knee. There were black ties down the front and black accents at the throat, shoulders and hem. Twisting dragons and twining birds in black and gold thread decorated the fabric. I was sure any of the girls I had grown up with would have adored it. I did not.

Looking into the mirror once I had it on, however, I was a bit shocked. A seventeen-year-old girl stared back at me. A scowling, well-muscled seventeen-year-old girl, but a girl, none the less.

I had put up my hair into two tiny pigtails, tied with red ribbon to match the dress. There had been a pair of black silk slippers in the trunk that fit the purpose of footwear. Rouge, dark eye shadow, and red lipstick completed the ensemble.

I was privately impressed. Makeup really did make a difference. Now, if anyone else I knew ever saw me like this, I could die on the spot convinced that I had at least done a good job of being feminine.

Barton was doing our makeup. He had professed knowledge of such matters, stating that Catherine had trained him to apply her makeup before performances.

Dressed in a Roman toga with a few extra folds of cloth for slight chest enhancement, he had brushed back his uni-bang and secured it with tiny ivy-leaf shaped barrettes. I had to admit that with a faint dusting of makeup and a pair of long false eyelashes, he looked like a tall, slim girl of eighteen or so. More mature than the rest of us, I thought sourly.

A makeup brush clenched between his teeth, he was currently working on Winner. The blonde was seated on the bathroom vanity, whimpering faintly as Trowa did his face and hair.

"Qautre, if you don't stop squirming we're going to have a mascara-brush-in-the-eye incident."

"Sorry."

"Quatre, hold still or your lipstick is going to go on wrong."

"Sorry."

"Qautre, quit wriggling or I'm going to burn you with this curling iron."

"Sorry!"

I sighed, wandering off to find Maxwell. I found him in the guest room he shared with Yuy, brushing his long hair in front of the mirror.

"Well?" he demanded when he saw me. "How do I look?"

He had undone the famous braid for the first time in my knowledge, replacing it with a loose ponytail held in place by a pale yellow ribbon tied in a bow. For his costume he had chosen a baby blue blouse sporting yellow buttons shaped like flowers and a darker blue poodle skirt with yellow flowers and butterflies stitched into the bottom. He had on pink blush, pink lip-gloss and was wearing blue lace stockings and roller skates.

"I'm a car hop!" he proclaimed happily, twirling a circle on the skates. "Cool, huh?"

I sweat-dropped. "Of course you are, Maxwell. Of course you are."

At that moment Yuy wandered in, adjusting the final touches of his cowgirl outfit.

I swear that in that moment I nearly died, seeing the Perfect Soldier cross-dressing as if it were no concern at all. And in all honesty, for him it probably was nothing more than another mission. He was doing what it took to successfully complete said mission, as he always did. I must try to follow his example.

"You look great, Hee-chan!" Maxwell exclaimed enthusiastically. "The plastic sheriff's badge is a nice touch."

"Are you sure?" Yuy asked, looking critically into the mirror. "If I want to successfully infiltrate this contest I must look completely convincing."

He did, really. From black leather cowboy boots with silver filigree to blue denim skirt, up past plaid cotton blouse and plaited cow-hide vest and on to red bandana and cowboy hat, Heero Yuy looked the part of a rough-and-tumble tomboy cowgirl.

The ever-present gun and holster fit right into the outfit, as Maxwell had promised. His dark hair and complexion made much makeup redundant, so a bit of the same red lipstick I was utilizing and a dash of eye liner finished the costume off.

Maxwell lifted his skirt and dropped Yuy a sarcastic curtsey, which the other responded to with a slight tip of the cowboy hat.

I suddenly felt sick.

"Okay, Quatre, you can look in the mirror now," came Barton's voice from the bathroom. "I'll be right back."

A second later he was peering into the bedroom.

"Good, you're all ready. Just a few more minor issues. First, we all need female names in case anyone questions us. Second, we're all going to have to shave our legs or we'll be a dead giveaway. And third, we're going to have to work a little on bust sizes. It'll be suspicious if we're all flat chested."

Now I really wanted to be sick. Luckily for me, not only I had eaten nothing for over a day, but a piercing scream from the bathroom suddenly forestalled the bust predicament.

Winner was having issues.

"I look like _Little Bo Peep!_" he shrieked, staring horrified into the vanity mirror.

I took it as an assumption that the lacy pink and white Victorian dress and matching white buckle-down shoes had not been his idea. Barton had added some pastel colored makeup and even some slight curl to his blonde hair. All in all, he looked more like a girl than some of his sisters did.

"And I look like Julius Caesar's wife," Barton replied calmly. "We've all got to tough it out. Here, let's play that to your advantage."

The banged one disappeared into the little girl's room and returned with a stuffed lamb.

"There. Now 'nursery rhyme character' is your angle."

Winner was not convinced. I felt a bit sorry for him. He had spent his whole life as the only male among more than two dozen sisters, and suddenly the entire dynamics of it all had been changed. He was probably close to a personal crisis.

That had to wait, however, as we were all crowded back into the bathroom for the shaving ceremony. I could not believe it.

"I feel like part of a frat prank," Maxwell remarked.

I glanced down at the safety razor he was holding, then down at my bare legs, and groaned. It was going to be a _long_ evening. I felt the faint hope that, wherever she was, my wife could not see me now.

**O.O.O.O.O**

"It's almost time to go, everybody," Maxwell announced a bit later. "Meeting in the kitchen before we leave!"

I sighed. We might as well get this over with as quickly and painlessly as possible. Or perhaps not so painless, as Maxwell almost fell headfirst down the stairs on his roller skates. Yuy's quick arm was the only thing that saved him.

"Okay," he said when we had reached the kitchen, recovered enough to sound perky. "Let's all go over things one more time before we proceed with the mission. When I call on you, use a girly voice to state your chosen girly name and the personality you're going to play tonight. We can't just be sporadically acting out or they'll think we're weird."

"_I_ think we are weird," I muttered. But he did have a point.

"Okay. I'll go first." Maxwell took a deep breath, gave us a huge smile, and began in a high, falsetto voice. "Hi! I'm Dinah Maxwell, a cute, cheerful highschool girl out to sing with my best friends and have fun at the fair!"

I had to admit he was very convincing.

"Now Heero, you go."

Yuy adjusted his voice as best he could and took his turn. "I am Hana Yuy, a strong and silent girl who wants to get down to business and accomplish her mission."

"Good. Trowa?"

"I'm Trisha Barton, mature and sophisticated, but still warm and caring."

"Great. Quat?"

Winner sighed. "I'm Catrice Winner, shy but sweet. Uh, and the lamb is Fluffy, I guess."

"Excellent! Wufei...?"

"My name is Fei Wu," I growled, "and I don't speak English."

The others groaned. What more did they honestly expect?

"Um, you might want to work on that," Maxwell advised. "Alright then, men... uh, women... that's everything. I guess it's time to go. Let's knock 'em dead!"

We trooped out to the Hummer in the last dying rays of sunlight, headed off on what I thought might as well have been a suicide mission. Who knew. If the judges caught on that we were anything less than female, that might be exactly what it amounted to. Somehow I doubted that the residents of this particular area would look kindly upon a group of "confused" boys.

"Watch your stride," I advised Barton. "You still walk like a man. And make sure to keep your toga secure. If it falls, I have a hunch we would all be better off self-destructing."

"Now you tell me," he muttered.

We climbed into the Hummer and, trailed by its devoted following of lovesick honeybees, were on our way to dinner or despair. I supposed that at this point it could go either way. Now, one final item of business; a quick prayer to Nataku that no one asked to see any identification...

**O.O.O.O.O**

"Oh, just_ look_ at your hair, darlin'! Molly, come look at her hair. Aren't those just the cutest li'l pigtails you've ever seen?"

"That's just adorable!"

I let the women fuss over me, content to eat my toffee apple and bask in the glow of victory.

To my infinite surprise we had won the Ladies' Group Karaoke Contest, Teen Division, with a most appropriate country music song. The tune was still running through my head. "Men's shirts, short skirts... gettin' wild and doin' it in style," I hummed around the apple.

Now I did not regret the cup of strong, homemade alcohol I had accepted from that attendant before the show. He had most likely been attempting to flirt with me, but the drink had done its job and calmed my nerves. It was strong, very strong, but not entirely disagreeable. It even had an attractive name. "Moonshine," he had called it. Quite poetic.

At ease for the first time that evening, I took in the energetic atmosphere.

Barton and Maxwell were still hamming it up for the crowds.

Barton had experience, but Maxwell had discovered an affinity for performing and appeared to be enjoying himself immensely. While Winner and Yuy went to collect our prize, they had stayed behind to enjoy the spotlight for a bit longer. At the moment they were surrounded by a group of men of varying ages, all vying for their supposedly feminine attentions.

"You got right purdy hair, li'l miss," one said, giving Maxwell's bow an affectionate and somewhat suggestive tug. "That there ponytail's longer'n the Mississippi."

"Gee, thanks!" Maxwell giggled in his false high voice, pretending to blush modestly.

I snorted, smiling despite myself. If only they knew. Somehow, out here in the crowd, under the stars, away from everything familiar... it was almost possible to forget that the whole experience was real and not some insanely peculiar and disturbing dream.

Suddenly Yuy appeared at my elbow.

"Mission accomplished," he said softly, "but our identities are in jeopardy."

"Explain," I demanded just as quietly. Treating this escapade like the necessary mission that it was also helped to keep me from dwelling too much on the hard reality of it all.

"The sheriff. He is somewhere in the immediate area. If he sees us getting into the Hummer he will surely become suspicious."

I nodded. Two groups of five strangers in town at the same time with identical yellow Hummers was too odd to be coincidental. It would be only a matter of time before they put two and two together and came up with five cross-dressing out-of-towners.

"Grab Maxwell and Barton," I told him. "I will take Winner and the money and disappear into the crowd. We will be less obvious if we split up."

"Roger. Rendezvous at the vehicle in fifteen minutes." He vanished into the milling mass of fair attendees, the spurs on his filigreed boots jangling faintly.

"Come on, Catrice," I said as I grabbed Winner's arm, trying my hardest to sound cheerful and girlish. "You wanted to get goldfish for your niece, didn't you?"

"Hmm?" he muttered around a mouthful of cotton candy. "Oh, yes! Thanks for reminding me."

Ten minutes later we were at the Hummer, Winner protectively clutching the plastic sandwich bag containing the five goldfish we had won. We had decided to give them the names of our girlish personalities. That would forever be the only evidence of our little foray into the realm of the female.

Several minutes later Yuy appeared, carrying Maxwell over one shoulder. The baka was still smiling and waving, blowing kisses at the crowd, and every few steps Barton would turn in response to the continuing applause and drop a bow.

"Ah, my public," Maxwell sighed as he was unceremoniously dumped into the Hummer and we sped away. "How they adore me..."

"Congratulations," I said sourly. "You just became the favorite fantasy girl of half the men in this town."

_That_ shut him up.

**O.O.O.O.O**

Later, sitting in the Hummer with the windows down in the parking lot of the town's only pizza parlor, we five took a binding Tell-And-You-Die Oath.

Over blood and tomato sauce, we solemnly swore never to tell a soul of the events that had transpired. The night's performance had been a one-time phenomenon that would never, ever be repeated for pleas, threats, love or money. Never again would a dress, skirt, or makeup grace our perfectly masculine forms. Our house was from now on and henceforth a castle of men, and we were its lords.

Winner in particular vowed to have a tattoo of an anchor applied sometime in the very near future. He was still trying in vain to get over the Little Bo Peep scenario.

"Look on the bright side, guys," Maxwell said around a slice of pepperoni. "It's over. We won. We got the cash. Now we can go shopping, get on with our vacation, and never have to think of it again."

We all nodded emphatically, more than ready to go home and change. We would happily drink to that, even if all we had was fountain soda.

It was nearing midnight when we arrived back at the farm.

Groceries had been obtained. Makeup had been washed off in a gas station bathroom. Our hair was as back to normal as was possible with only one brush and no styling gel. We were more than ready to, as they say in the country, "hit the hay."

Barton was first to enter the kitchen with his bag of groceries. As he turned on the light, a stray snake shot across the floor into the darkness under the table. The banged one, uni-bang now back in place, dropped the paper sack he was holding and went after it.

"Come back here, you little sneak," he cajoled, crawling under the table on his hands and knees as the rest of us began to put away the food. "Time to go back outside. Trust me, it's much nicer out there than in our kitchen... hey, what's this?"

I glanced up as he appeared from under the table, a wriggling snake in one hand and something small and rectangular in the other.

"Oh, please no... Barton, tell me that is not the...?"

A nod confirmed it. "It's the checkbook! It must have been on the table and gotten knocked off when the dogs wrecked the room this morning. Wow, Duo, I suppose we should have searched the _whole_ house before we started making crazy plans, huh?"

The container of orange juice I had been holding slipped from my numb grasp. Dimly, I could hear Maxwell's sheepish laughter.

Suddenly, I began to laugh as well.

I laughed like Winner on the Zero system. I could not breathe. Tears were coursing down my face. I laughed harder than I have ever laughed in my entire life.

Then I blacked out.

I do not remember going upstairs, changing out of the hated dress, or falling into bed, but I must have done so, for that is where I was when I came back to myself a few hours later. Moonlight spilled through the open curtains. There was an owl hooting loudly in the tall tree outside the window.

It was soothing enough for me to attempt to sleep, pushing away all memories of the evening.

_Only two... more... days,_ I thought dimly as slumber claimed me.

There was a deafening bang from the room next door, and a final, rather startled squawk from the owl as Yuy fired his gun.

Idly, I wondered if any of us would survive that long.

**O.O.O.O.O**

To Be Continued

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

**(2****nd****) Author's Note:** Yeah, I know. I made 'em dress in drag and sing for their supper. But, but, they were really pretty girls! Tee-hee, I'm so bad... The song they sang was "(Man!) I Feel Like A Woman" by Shaniah Twain, if you didn't guess. No drag next chapter, I promise... if you even bother to _read_ the next chapter after this bishonen-abuse atrocity...


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** So we're on chapter four now, right? God, I'm so fried right now... The heat wave has broken, freshman year of college has begun, and with any luck I'll soon be entering a professional writing program. I know this does not excuse the long hiatus since last chapter, but I do apologize. Maybe the boys have had a chance to regroup during that time... Anyways, special thanks to my steadfast reviewers, I love you, and I hope you enjoy chapter four!

**Disclaimer:** Gundam Wing is not mine. If it was, Trowa would be able to talk to all his little animal friends, like Snow White in the Disney movies.

**For Your Info:** Our calm, stoic, yet oh-so-poetic Tro-bunny claims this chapter, mostly because he is best suited to deal with animal-related crises.

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

There are few things more beautiful than a sunrise viewed from deep in the heartland.

First the grey sky to the east begins to lighten, revealing swirling mist and fading shadows across lush fields and meadows. Birds begin to call in the vast, lonely expanse still too vague for the invading eye to penetrate. Then the chill, heavy air becomes slowly warmer as the skies take on a rosy hue.

Slowly, and yet all at once, dawn's first sunbeams reach out to gently touch the tops of the forest trees. Golden morning light spills down between leaves and branches, splashing underbrush, grasses and wildflower, turning night's scattered dewdrops into a million tiny diamonds sparkling with an inner brilliance. Soon everything shimmers and glows, washed in the glory that is a new day.

All this I thought as I sat silently on the veranda, sipping a cup of hot, freshly brewed coffee, the splendor of a fresh new country morning unfolding before my eyes. Or rather, eye. The other always seems to be covered by hair, no matter what I do with it.

_You're very lucky, Trowa, _I congratulated myself between sips. _A gorgeous sunrise like this... it's a real gift. So quiet. So serene. So– _

"Oh, my, _**GOD!**_"

Crash! Bang! Clatter!

The cacophony of noises streaming from the kitchen of the farmhouse told me that I was no longer the only one awake, much to my disappointment. I love my fellow former pilots like the brothers they are to me, but sometimes... they just need to stay sleeping.

"Duo, wait, don't kill it!"

"Get it away from me!"

"Stop, you'll step on it!"

"It touched my foot, man, it touched my _foot!_"

The screen door slammed as Quatre ran out of the house, gingerly holding an angry garter snake by the tail. I watched as it was quickly released over the wooden railing. Hopefully the little guy would head towards the fields, far away from the house and the belt-maker that dwelt there.

"Good morning, Quatre." I offered him my coffee, which he readily gulped. "There's more on the counter."

"Thanks, Tro," he yawned, disappearing back into the house. Deprived of drinkable tea and the excess adrenaline of a snake crisis, I knew he would welcome any available source of caffeine that would keep him upright. Despite what one might assume, Quatre Winner is definitely not a morning person.

Deciding that the magic of the morning could not hold in the face of what had happened in the kitchen, I went back inside. There was always tomorrow's sunrise. For now, day four of our ultra-rural vacation was upon us.

Duo was being told off in the kitchen by an angry Wufei and Heero. Wufei was holding a foamy toothbrush. Heero was in a towel.

"Dammit, Maxwell, I thought you were down here being attacked by a full platoon of enemy MS! I nearly choked on my own dental hygiene equipment!" Wufei waved the toothbrush threateningly at the cowering American. Heero, still dripping wet and clutching his gun in the hand that wasn't clutching the towel, nodded curtly. Yes, he was indeed also pissed.

"Sorry, guys," Duo whimpered, a sheepish, please-don't-hurt-me-for-I-know-not-what-I-do smile fixed in place. "I went to get the cereal out of the pantry and the thing came out from under the door. It went right over my foot!"

The others were not impressed.

"You guys know I can't handle snakes! C'mon, Quat, you saw it, back me up here!" he pleaded, looking to the blonde for support.

Quatre, slumped at the table with an enormous mug of coffee, glanced blearily in their general direction. Poor thing, he'd made the mistake of sitting down once he was awake. Now sleep threatened once again. "Murrr...?"

"Some help you are," Duo muttered.

I crossed the room and hoisted my best friend to his feet. Giving him a shake, I spoke simple words his fogged mind could process. "You. Wake up. No sleep. Dogs. Cows. Chickens. Must feed."

"Very funny," he growled, and snatched up the mug for a refill. "I'm trying to either sleep away the memory of dressing in drag or drown it in caffeine, and you have the nerve to joke!"

I shrugged. I supposed that the night before was just one of those times that being a professional performer came in handy. It wasn't my fault that I was better prepared for the situation than they were.

Looking to get out of Quatre's way, I meandered over to the table and took a seat beside Wufei, who was still trying to finish brushing his teeth while shooting the occasional glare at Duo. He had what was left of the morning paper clutched in one hand, ragged around the edges from the teeth of the dog that had carried it in.

"Beautiful Strangers Win Farm Fair Karaoke Contest!" announced the headlines. "Mysterious Teen Singers Claim Prize and Vanish Without a Trace!" Photographic evidence of the performance graced the front page. Wufie did not look amused. I wisely kept silent and let it go.

Reaching for a plate of toast I paused, watching a fuzzy green caterpillar inch across the table. How cute. In another few weeks it would be a beautiful butterfly. The wonders of nature never cease to amaze me.

Thwack!

I stared as Wufei lifted the rolled newspaper from the surface of the table.

He examined with distaste the small green smear on the paper, the toothbrush hanging out one side of his mouth, and then pitched the entire thing over his shoulder into the wastebasket. "Disgusting."

I sighed. My friends were rapidly losing patience with life in the country, and I was sorry to say that I could not blame them. They were conditioned for sidewalks, not corn stalks. Livestock, dirt, snakes and insects had no place in the lives of former mecha pilots.

It was only through my experiences with the sometimes wild life of the circus that I did not share their frame of mind. I now suppose that waking up with an escaped lemur in your trailer nibbling the hem of your costume pants can prepare one for anything.

Awhile later, when Quatre was sufficiently awake and the animals (including Duo) had been fed, Heero returned from upstairs. He was dry and dressed, with an old transistor radio under one arm. It appeared to have been repaired with duct tape and a rusty coat hanger.

"The barometer has dropped and the humidity is rising," he explained as he fiddled with the salvaged radio. "I want to find a meteorological station and make sure there is no severe weather approaching."

"It's more important to know whether there will be weather, than what the weather will be," Quatre muttered from the direction of the sink where he was attempting to deal with the morning's dirty dishes. I gave him an amused look. He had lately been occupying himself reading the children's books from his niece's room. It was probably good for him.

Heero snorted and flipped on the radio. Amid much antenna shuffling and static, we managed to pick up a weather station.

"_...and now for today's forecast... highs near ninety... west winds, gusting fifteen to twenty miles per hour... possible patchy hail... chance of rain, eighty percent..._"

Heero stood, the light of resolve in his eyes. "As I suspected. Perfect conditions for strong thunderstorms. We must prepare."

Duo yawned, heading for the stairs. "I'll prepare my bed. Rain makes me tired."

"You," Heero corrected, catching him by the braid, "will help me find candles, matches, and water bottles. Strong storms across open woods and fields are not to be so lightly dismissed. High winds can give rise to tornadoes in the blink of an eye. Which reminds me. Quatre, does this home have a fallout shelter?"

When they had gone, Duo leaving only under volatile protest, Wufei and I swapped glances.

"Is it just me," Wufei remarked, casually smashing an intruding mosquito, "or is Yuy just itching for an emergency?"

I nodded silently. It did seem as though Heero were grasping at straws. Oh, well. Maybe gearing up for a twister, no matter how slight the chances of one actually occurring might be, would serve to keep him preoccupied.

"Just let him have his fun," Quatre wisely advised, wringing out the dish towel. Satisfied, he hung it over the protruding faucet and reached to adjust the curtains around the large kitchen window. "As long as it makes him happy and doesn't endanger anything."

"I think it's endangering his sanity," Wufei muttered, but let it be.

Quatre appeared not to have heard, peering out the window at the yard beyond. I noticed that his eye had suddenly developed a twitch. "Aw, look... a dead owl... with a bullet hole... "

Wufie looked unimpressed. "I wonder where _that _came from."

**O.O.O.O.O**

By the time the owl had been properly laid to rest beside the unfortunate chicken Wufei had accidentally decapitated, Heero had succeeded in turning the kitchen into an emergency base. The radio had been given a semipermanent place of honor in the center of the table. A cardboard box containing candles, an oil lantern, and a small box of matches had been found and placed at hand, further filled with a flashlight, bottled water and a package of wheat crackers.

Duo had shoved a mound of blankets and pillows underneath the heavy wooden table and was curled up in them rereading a worn comic he had brought from home.

Heero was preparing to board up the kitchen windows.

_Oh, yes,_ I thought, watching our Japanese partner carefully judging width and thickness. _He's cracking. The lack of tension or danger is driving him irrational._

Quatre, in the interest of preventing nail holes in the walls of his sister's kitchen, immediately put a stop to the boarding up.

"Why don't you just leave the wood and nails right here by the window, and if the... uh, _storm_ gets bad you can quickly put them up?" he suggested innocently, unobtrusively taking away Heero's hammer.

"Seeing as how there isn't a cloud in the sky," Duo remarked rather loudly from his nest under the table.

Heero shot the table a nasty look. "Make yourself useful and go get some blankets for someone other than yourself. We will have need of them should flying debris become a factor."

"Oh, what _ever_," Duo growled, crawling out and stomping up the stairs once more. "Where are they?"

"There are spare quilts in the closet of our guest room."

"You know, you're almost like a Boy scout. Just insane."

The tail of the braid disappeared into the upstairs hallway before Heero could find anything to throw at it, so he pretended not to take offence. "If there is anything more you can think of to add to the emergency supplies," he told the rest of us, "do not hesitate to do so."

After a minute of contemplation, Quatre threw in a package of jelly filled cookies and the tin of instant coffee. Wufei sighed, but went to the cabinet anyway and contributed the small clock that had been sitting on the counter. Heero placed it beside the radio.

I was pondering on what else was needed when a panicked scream echoed down the stairs.

"_TROWA!_"

Maxwell.

Without thinking I leapt to my feet and charged towards the source of the call, the other three pilots a mere second behind me. Heero was already prepping his gun as we raced up the narrow stairs and into the guest bedroom he shared with the braided boy.

Duo was backed up against the closet door, a fat grey and black-banded raccoon sniffing at his ankles. The mesh screen over the window sported a huge hole. A chewed pizza box and the remains of several crusts scattered over the floor attested to the cause of the break in.

Heero lowered his gun as Quatre finally broke the silence.

"Aw... it's cute."

"Trowa!" Duo yelped, trying to shift out of the coon's reach as it stretched up to put a paw on his knee. "Do something!"

"Like what?" I asked. It didn't look to be causing any trouble.

He looked at me like I was dense. "Like get it out of here before it tears my freakin' leg off!"

"Might I point out that it is not showing any signs of ferocity, and also that it wouldn't be climbing on you if you didn't smell like a food source. In fact, it wouldn't be in the house at all if _some_ people would properly dispose of their garbage..."

However, I did oblige him. Very carefully I snuck in and took the raccoon by the scruff of the neck as it was climbing Duo's leg. Before it could so much as growl I had a second hand under its rear paws and was putting it back out the window onto a branch of the large oak tree that grew near the side of the house. (_Don't try this at home, kids. Wild animals are dangerous and should only be handled by trained professionals. This concludes your public service announcement. Thank you._)

"There." I quickly removed the damaged screen and closed the window firmly. "Now go back to bed like a good little nocturnal mammal."

"Duo no baka!" Heero yelled, turning to thump his partner in the head with the butt of his handgun. "You never listen! Why don't you ever listen? I told you last night to throw those pizza scraps away!"

"You only said it would attract mice!" Duo wailed, quailing and covering his head from the blows. "You didn't say a crazy raccoon would bust in and try to hump my leg!"

"What use to the mission would you be if it bit you and your health was compromised? It could have given you distemper, or rabies, or... or... or _anything!_ You could have contracted any number of incapacitating diseases!"

"You think I don't know that? Stop hitting me!"

"Throw away the box! Do it now!"

With a loud sigh of annoyance, Quatre threw up his hands in defeat and went back downstairs. "That's great. If anyone needs me, I'll be someplace _quiet_."

Wufei and I followed, leaving Heero to lecture and Duo to whine. The argument could still be heard from the kitchen. With an outright growl of annoyance Quatre pulled the phone across the cabinet and began to dial. I had a feeling that even his famed patience and understanding were wearing thin.

"...Hello, sis? Yeah, it's me again. Uh, listen, I just need to know where in town we could buy a screen. ...Yes, like a window screen. ...No, no, nothing's wrong... no... no, I do not sound stressed!"

Wufei went outside.

I went into the living room and took Thumper out of his laundry basket. He needed the exercise, and anyway the kitchen had just become a no-no place; a danger zone, if you will, until Quatre got off the phone and had a chance to breathe. For some reason he tends to get very defensive when anyone comments on his state of mental or emotional stability, or lack thereof.

**O.O.O.O.O**

"So we need a new screen, bread, milk that has already been pasteurized... and a new parakeet," Quatre sighed a few hours later as he looked over the shopping list. He was now much less annoyed, but feeling a bit down over the bird issue. I took it as an assumption that his sister still did not know that it had been eaten. "Maybe I'll get lucky and Katie won't notice the difference."

"We also need batteries," Heero called from the other room. "Size C. For the radio."

"And rabbit food," I put in, "while you're at the pet store."

"Alright." Quatre wrote the items down and tucked the list into his vest. "Duo, do you need anything?"

Duo had just come in from the barn. I was a bit startled to notice that he was wearing what looked a rubber fly-fishing suit. A fish net on a long pole was clutched determinedly in his grasp. In the other hand was a large burlap sack.

"No thanks, Q-man," he said, scanning the kitchen floor with a critical eye. He opened the pantry door and peered under the table and behind the cabinets. "I got everything I need right here... unless you happen to find some heavy-duty traps at the hardware place."

Quatre looked nonplused. "Uh... okay. Do you want to come along? You can even drive if you want to..."

Heero nearly choked on the ice cube in his mouth. He never let Duo behind the wheel of the Hummer, and attested that the day it happened Wufei would jump the fence and marry Treize Kushrenada.

"No, thanks." Duo clutched the handle of the net more tightly. "I'm gonna stick around with Trowa and see if I can't catch the rest of these damn snakes. One came out from behind the toilet earlier. Scared the piss outa me."

We all had to laugh. Bless Duo and his inherent ability to alleviate tension with a single sentence. So it was decided. While the others, deftly avoiding the bees, piled into the Hummer and went into town, Duo and I remained to guard the fort.

True to his word, Duo immediately went off to hunt for snakes. I went back to the living room for a nice long nap on the sofa, taking Thumper out of the basket again. He had proven himself the sweetest little rabbit; affectionate, always willing to be held or petted. He settled on my chest right away and folded into a little sleeping ball.

Resting my hand on his soft, warm back fur, I too drifted off. Little did I know just how much I would be in need of rest before the night was through….

**O.O.O.O.O**

"Trowa… psst, Trowa!"

My eyes fluttered open. Duo was inches from my face, poking very insistently at the side of my head with one finger. I noticed that Thumper had moved to the end of the sofa and was sitting on my leg, a half-severed shoelace hanging out of his mouth.

"…Duo, what is it?"

"Now don't panic," the braided one said in a low voice, "but it's underneath you. Just get up slowly and I'll take care of everything."

"What?" I shook my head and half sat up, pulling my shoestring out of reach of Thumper's fuzzy lips. "What are you talking about? Another snake?"

Duo nodded quickly. "Yeah. I almost had it, then the little snot went under the couch. Put the rabbit away and help me lift it up."

With a sigh I abandoned my nap and resigned myself to playing snake wrangler. Tucking Thumper safely into the basket and lifting it out of reach of the snakes, we set to work. I propped up the sofa. Duo dove under with a war cry, net in hand, and reappeared a moment later with his quarry. "Gotcha!"

I peered into the burlap bag as he opened it to deposit his catch. There were already five or six slithering serpents inside. Duo had been busy for the last… how long had I been asleep? Looking at the clock, I was shocked to find that I had been out for nearly two hours.

Outside the window, the trees and bushes were fluttering, tossing restlessly in the steadily increasing wind. Dark clouds were moving in, blocking out the sun and casting the landscape in a kind of grey twilight. It looked as though Heero might get his storm after.

"So that's one, two, three... how many more do you think are still loose, Trowa?" Duo frowned, gazing as steadily as he could into the bag. I could see that he was still not wild about the job, but eager to get it done and over with.

"Well," I began, "if there were ten, twelve, fifteen snakes to start with, and I caught one last night, and Quatre caught one this morning, and we count the one that was in the fish bowl..."

"And Heero got one out of the bird cage," Duo added, counting on his fingers. "And the six that I've got now. Okay, then, that makes... from one to six still left. Better get back to it, then."

He shouldered the sack and tucked the net under one arm, ready to resume capture.

Not sure what to do with myself, I went into the kitchen. It was almost four o'clock, and I hadn't had any lunch. As far as I knew, neither had Duo. Maybe I would make sandwiches and a salad, something light to last us until dinner.

I was washing lettuce at the sink, watching the horizon grow darker and darker with towering indigo thunder-heads, when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"..._Trowa?_" the voice on the other end of the line yelled through massive amounts of static. "_It's Quat!_"

"Quatre? Where are you? Are you almost home, because if you are I'd be happy to start dinner or –"

"_Trowa, listen! I'm on a payphone in the back of the hardware store. I can only talk for a second, I'm afraid the phone's going to go out. You guys have some seriously nasty weather headed your way. The power's out all over town._"

"What?"

"_Yeah, it's pouring. Thunder, lightning, wind, hail– the whole nine yards. We're going to lay low here until it slacks off a little and make a run for it. They have a TV down here, weather network says there's another big line of storms right behind this one, so we'll try to make it back before_–"

And the line went dead.

This changed circumstances somewhat. Drying my hands, I sorted through Heero's stock of emergency gear and switched on the radio.

"..._the National Weather Service has issued a tornado watch for each of the following counties until seven o'clock p.m. eastern standard time: Grant, Jefferson, Delaware, Franklin, Central, Ross, Jay, Rush, Clearwater..._"

Well, that settled it. According to the phone directory lying on the counter, we were in Rush County. The sky outside was nearly black. The time for evasive action was at hand.

"Duo," I yelled, piling the salad ingredients back into the fridge. Our late lunch would have to wait. "Come in here for a minute."

An ominous rumble of thunder, low and loud enough to make the windowpanes quiver, accompanied him into the kitchen. "Hey, Trowa, I got another one! Check out the size of _this _one!"

"Sorry, Duo, change of plans. I need you to take those outside and let them go. We have to get the windows closed and the animals in the barn."

He blinked at me, closing the sack once more. "Why?"

I blinked right back at him. "Have you not noticed the fact that it is about to storm, and violently? That we are, in fact, under a tornado watch?"

With a puzzled expression he went to the kitchen window, pulling back the lace curtains and peering at the sky. A jagged fork of lightning and another boom of thunder met his gaze. "Well, all be darned. I guess it is."

He really _hadn't _noticed. Apparently his one-track mind, the need to be so intently focused on a goal that he ignored everything but the battle in front of him, had not changed since our Gundam days. That thought in mind, I said a small prayer of thanks that at least now I did not have to worry about the camouflage netting blowing off of the Heavyarms in the gale.

In a matter of minutes we were out in the yard, moving things into the barn. As Duo busied himself gathering up Frisbees, baseball mitts, and the like that were scattered across the lawn, I looked to the dogs.

"Patch!" I whistled to the collie mix. Ears perked, he came galloping up. "Round 'em up, fella."

Barking ecstatically, he raced toward the milling flock of chickens that had been scratching around under the trees in the yard and began to herd them toward the hen house. Duo paused to watch, a funny look on his face.

"You know... I'm just gonna pretend that dog already knew how to do that, okay?"

I just smiled.

The cattle were far out into the pasture. I wasn't worried about the bull or the cows that didn't currently have calves, but the nursing mothers and their little ones concerned me. Luckily, a dirt bike and an old ATV in the barn met our needs. While Duo bravely distracted the bull on the four-wheeler, I took the bike and carefully guided the others into the large pen adjacent to the barn. Hopefully the side of the building would help to shelter them somewhat.

"Wa-hahahaha!" Duo crowed, running circles around the furious bull on the four-wheeler. "Think you're so bad, doncha, stupid cow? Well let's see you catch me now! What I wouldn't give for some M-80's!"

I sighed. That boy really did have a death wish.

By the time the cows were secure and the first heavy drops of rain had begun to fall, Patch had finished with the chickens and begun trying to herd the barn cats. Trusting that the dogs knew where to go to get out of the rain, Duo and I left the barn door ajar and returned to the house. We were now as ready as we would ever be.

"Just watch," Duo said confidently as we began lowering windows all over the house. "We go to all this trouble and it'll be like in the city. It gets all cloudy and thundery and it won't rain but a drop or two."

"I'm not sure..." I began, even as the skies opened and it began to pour buckets.

Duo shrugged. "Or not."

The last windows to be closed were those in the guest room Heero and Duo shared. I stood at the windowsill after closing them, watching rain sluice down the glass, marveling at the spectacle. In the city, the buildings blocked most of the wind. Not so here, where the trees whipped and danced wildly, completely at its mercy. Here you really got the full effect of the storm.

"It's raining, it's pouring," Duo began in a sing-song tone. Then he paused. "Did you hear something?"

"I hear rain on the roof," I answered sensibly. "I hear wind and thunder. I hear you."

"No, no, not that. That noise."

"What noise?"

"It was like, somethin' scratching."

We both stood silently in the guest room, listening, straining our ears. Sure enough, in the next lull in the pounding rain, we heard the sound again. It definitely resembled scratching, and it was close.

With a nod to Duo, I moved out into the room and swiftly but silently began to hunt for the cause of the noise. He followed right behind. We checked under the beds, in the closet, behind the chest of drawers. Not a clue as to the origins of the scratching could be found.

"Listen just one more time," Duo frowned, moving back to the spot we had been standing when the sound first divulged itself.

Suddenly there was a pause. The rain slowed to a random smatter on the glass. The wind ceased its moaning. The thunder did not sound. It was enough. In the moment before the hail began, we heard the noise once more, loud and clear.

It was coming from above us.

Duo and I swapped curt nods and declared in unison: "Attic."

I was eerily reminded of a horror movie as we crept down the hall towards the attic. Thunder boomed continuously now. The wind howled like a thing possessed. Flash after vivid flash of lightning illuminated a sky and landscape so dark it was akin to that of night. The old wooden floorboards creaked and groaned beneath our feet.

I spared a moment to worry about Thumper, all alone in his basket downstairs.

Soon we had reached the end of the hall and were staring up at the entrance to the attic.

The attic door itself was one of the kind that folds up into the ceiling. When one wants to access the upper level, a thick cord is pulled and a ladder of sorts unfolds and descends to allow one to climb up. We stared silently at it.

"You go," Duo finally said. "I got your back."

"How about _you_ go, and I'll cover you."

"You're the acrobat. You'll be able to get up easier."

"You're the stealth expert. You'll be able to get up quieter." Then I realized how foolish we sounded. Imagine, two highly trained professional terrorists arguing over who was to investigate some silly little noise in the attic of a farmhouse in the middle of absolute nowhere! I was glad Heero wasn't there to see this. "Alright, I'll go. Just hold the ladder steady."

"Roger."

Slowly and very quietly I unfolded the ladder. Duo, true to his word, held the bottom as I silently began to climb. One, two, three, four steps up... Very carefully I raised my head above the level of the attic floor.

The room was absolutely dark, the wan light from outdoors unable to fully penetrate the heavy fabric of the moth-eaten curtains. I stood still on the ladder, eyes nearly level with the dusty floorboards, willing my vision to adjust. Something did not feel right.

The air was stale, hot, heavy and oppressive as it had not been the day before when we were costume searching. There were shapes that were not shadows slowly moving, milling, _breathing_ in the dark..

"There is something alive up here,"I muttered down to Duo in my lowest voice.

"What is it?" he whispered back impatiently. "Another damn raccoon?"

"I don't know," I replied softly. Somehow I didn't think so. I was getting a very bad feeling... Torn between looking for a light and slipping back down the ladder, I glanced back once more into the room.

A sudden flash of lightning lit the dim interior of the attic. For a split second I was almost blinded, then my world lit up and I saw what was sitting in front of me.

An enormous opossum, not five inches from my face, eyes slitted and teeth bared in an angry hiss.

"Oh." I said calmly. "Damn."

With a snarl the opossum lunged. Reflexes serving me well I sprang backwards off the ladder, nearly landing on Duo, and threw the entire apparatus back up into the ceiling. Grabbing Duo by the collar I retreated down the hall at a run, dragging the protesting American behind me.

"Trowa, what _is_ it?"

"Just trust me– run first, explanation later!"

However, before we could gather our wits, or even so much as pause for breath, there was a crash. Behind us the ladder had once again come crashing down, this time under the weight of four or five large opossums.

"Close the doors!" I yelled, shoving Duo ahead of me. The poor boy looked confused and terrified at the same time. "Don't let them get into the bedrooms!"

And so we raced down the hall, slamming doors as we went, frantically attempting to stay one jump ahead of the jaws of a horde of crazed opossums that seemed to be growing larger by the moment. Stumbling down the stairs into the living room, I had just enough time to grab Thumper up out of his basket. He would be eaten if I left him.

Duo snatched up his snake net and we retreated into the kitchen, he scrambling onto the counter by the sink and I onto the table. The opossums were right behind, snapping and snarling at the base of our perches. I grabbed at a broom Quatre had left in the corner and managed to pull it to me, holding Thumper tightly to my chest. We could not reach the light switch or the fire-extinguisher.

We were, in short, trapped.

"Trowa!" Duo yelled hysterically from his cabinet across the kitchen, whacking a bold beast that dared to climb the knobs with his net. "What the hell is_ wrong_ with these things?"

"I don't know!" I yelled back, utilizing my broom in the office of self-defense. I tried frantically to remember: was this normal opossum behavior? I knew that the creatures were aggressive, would fight viciously if cornered, but actively pursuing humans with the intent to harm? I believed this to be a bit much, but found that I could not argue with the twenty or so foaming marsupials mere feet below me.

"Rabies!" Duo was screaming, flailing crazily with his net. "_Rabies!_"

I knew we were in trouble. The opossums were rising. They continued to pour into the kitchen. Now there looked to be nearly thirty of them. Where were they all_ coming_ from?

Thumper was scared and shivering in my arms, my companion was rapidly losing it in the face of this highly unusual and terrifying dilemma, and I didn't know what to do. The threat of rabies was very real and most definitely not something to be laughed at.

Staggering backward as a opossum jumped for the tabletop, I knocked Heero's radio to the floor. In the darkness, it began to play.

"..._I see, a bad moon risin'_... _I see, trouble on the way_... _I see, earthquakes and lightnin'_... _I see, a bad time today_..."

The opossum rebounded and fell off the edge of the table. Much as I hate to admit it, I was becoming desperate. Thumper's life and our limbs were at stake. I had only once choice.

If I could somehow leap over the opossums and gain the kitchen door, I might be able to draw them out the front and out of the house. Duo could then leave the cabinet, find a better weapon, and hit them from the rear. It was a long shot, but one I had to take.

"..._Don't go 'round tonight, it's bound to take your life_... _There's a bad moon on the rise_..."

The opossums were attacking the radio. It was now, while they were distracted, or never. I took a deep breath, shifted Thumper gently as I could in my grasp, tensed, poised to jump–

And Quatre flipped on the kitchen light.

"What the _Hell_ is going on in here?"

As one, the thirty two odd opossums turned to the doorway and the blonde standing in it, eyes squinched against the light, and let out the most unearthly sound I have ever heard, somewhat of a blend of hiss, snarl, and scream.

Quatre let out a very interesting scream of his own as he dove for the cabinets and leapt up beside Duo. My brows shot up to meet my uni-bang. I hadn't realized that Quatre even _knew_ that kind of foul language.

"Quatre? What's wrong?"

Wufei and Heero came charging into the house. The opossums turned their ire upon them. I'm almost certain they screamed. Duo screamed, as a stray opossum managed to catch hold of the cuff of his pants.

Then the power went out.

I don't remember much of what happened after that. It has become something of a blur in my mind, the kind of foggy memory that only resurfaces when you find yourself alone in bed in the middle of a cold, dark night, wishing that someone would come in and turn the closet light on for you so the images will just go away.

The one clear image I can bring to light is Heero pulling out his gun and unloading it into the seething, shrieking mass of opossums, the sparks of the discharge bright in the darkness, and Quatre screaming something much like, "_You're blowing holes in the F-ing floor!_"

Wufei was shouting, Duo was still screaming, and the din the opossums were making could only be compared to Hell's own chorus. I recall swinging the broom with all my strength. It was pretty much utter chaos. There was nothing I could do but join in.

**O.O.O.O.O**

At some point I must have gotten off the table, for when the battle-shock wore off I was in the living room numbly clutching the broom, watching Heero and Wufei cart out load after load of stunned marsupials in the spare laundry hamper.

There were flashing colored lights out on the front lawn. Sheriff Hughes was there.

"Do whatever you want with 'em," Duo growled to the animal control officers loading the opossums into their truck.

The power was back on. Quatre was on the phone in the kitchen, holding Thumper in his lap. There was blood on the tile, which I hoped was from a opossum, and the room smelled like some sort of chemical gas. There were two empty canisters by the fridge. Ah, Heero must have had the genius idea to test his homemade chemical warfare on the invading opossums. That boy will never cease to amaze me.

"Yes... yes, I know it's late, but this is an emergency... there are _holes_ in the floor, man! _Holes!_" Quatre sounded at his wit's end. And we all know what happens when _that_ occurs. "I don't care if you're closed! Make an exception, I'm begging you! ...What? ...Yes... yes, I guess first thing in the morning will have to do... yes... no, price is not an issue... yes... yes... that's fine... thank you very much."

He looked ready to cry.

Crossing the kitchen I put one arm around his shoulder and began to pet his hair with the other hand, something that always worked on upset lion cubs in the circus. "There, there... it's alright..."

"No it isn't, Trowa, no it isn't!" he cried, squeezing Thumper alarmingly. "This is absolutely the worst vacation ever! It should be a _crime_ that things are this bad! Nothing could _ever_ be worse than this!"

"Calm down," I soothed, removing the rabbit from his clutching grasp. "It's not that bad..."

I was startled when Duo grabbed me from behind.

"Trowa, _wake up!_" he yelled, grabbing me by the collar and shaking me hard. "Denial is _not_ just a river in Egypt! This sucks worse than anything has ever sucked before! Those guys out there with pest control just advised that we all get vaccinated for rabies!"

"...Injustice..." was all Wufei could utter. His hair was coming out of its tight tail. He had scratch marks on his face. He looked totally dazed.

"If only I'd had my flamethrower," Heero mourned quietly. His favorite green tank top had a huge rip down the front.

I noticed that the top leather had been torn from my left shoe. "Yeah, I guess you're right. This does suck."

For a long moment, there was silence as we all contemplated the tempting option of turning tail and running home.

And it was in this darkest moment, when all hope had faded, that Heero Yuy, son of the Battlefield, took up his pilot creed once more.

"We are officially on the offensive," he growled, staring at each of us in turn. The gun was back in his hand. "This has become a genuine, bona fide, grade A, high risk, red alert, four alarm emergency situation, and we will treat it as such! We are going to press on, and we are not going to allow such a simple rabble of giant, ill-organized rats to force us to fall apart! Am I _very_ clear?"

Quatre sniffled.

"Am I _very_ _clear_, soldier?!" Heero yelled.

"Hey, you can't talk to him like that!" Duo yelled back, pounced, and suddenly the fight was on.

However, Heero and Duo rolling in the floor appears much more normal to us than opossums in the same position. It was almost like a tension breaker. I chuckled. Quatre managed a chuckle. Wufei actually smiled.

So all was not a total loss.

**O.O.O.O.O**

Catherine always says that there is a reason and a moral for everything. I cannot find one in this case. "Never holiday in the country," perhaps. But, still... Everything eventually managed to work itself out, and some hours later we felt secure enough to disperse and seek out our own beds. The storm was winding itself down outside, and inside as well.

Heero and Duo had shaken hands over hot chocolate and ice-packs on black eyes and were friends again. Quatre no longer hovered on the edge of a breakdown. Wufei's cut cheek had been disinfected. And the entire house now sported enough handmade opossum traps to kill every single marsupial in North America.

As I climbed the stairs carrying Thumper's basket and tucked myself into bed, a single thought managed to cross my mind before I dropped into slumber. Only one day left. Just one.

Oh. And, it could have been worse.

It could have been skunks.

**O.O.O.O.O**

To Be Concluded

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

**(2****nd****) Author's Note:** First and foremost... no opossums were killed outright in the writing of this fic. Secondly... and I hate to say this... college sucks as far as the writing thing goes. It's so _busy!_ I was only able to finish this chapter by staying up way late and haring off to the library on scanty breaks during the day to write a few paragraphs before my next class. Once I even accidently deleted almost an hour of work from my new flash drive. I cried.

_However._ I will not allow something so petty to interfere with my passion! Just keep reminding me of that when I'm down, okay? I'll love you forever. Anyways. I'm done complaining. I'm sure some of you out there deal with issues just like this all the time. So...

Next time, in our fifth and final chapter... what will the last day of vacation hold for our intrepid young heroes? Will they escape this excursion alive?! Find out in the exciting conclusion!


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:** Alrightie… (deep breath) Here we go with chapter five! This actually makes me kind of happy, as this is the second longest fic I've posted chapter wise. To my lovely, lovely reviewers, and all my other readers, thanks for sticking with me. I love you. Enjoy chapter five!

**Disclaimer:** I know you understand the depth of the pain I feel when typing these words: Gundam Wing is not mine. If it were, Quatre would be, literally, Cat-re. You know, with ears and a fluffy tail. (prrrrr…)

**For Your Info: **At long last, this is Quat's chapter. The poor dear has been waiting _so_ patiently to have his breakdown….

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

Everyone has mornings when they don't want to get out of bed. Mine occur almost every day. Normally, though, I can cope with the early hour and frantic morning rushes with a nice, crisp newspaper and a hot cup of strong tea. Yes, the tea… there's just something about the tea that makes it easier to go on.

That morning, however, the morning of our fifth and last day on my sister's farm, my desire to remain in bed was stronger than usual. Never mind the fact that the bed in question was very small, had a pink comforter, and I had to remove a stash of crumbled cookies from under the pillow before using it. That didn't matter in the slightest given what I would have to face up to after I left it.

I had been woken at dawn by the steady squeak, squeak of a rotating hamster wheel, but hadn't even tried to get up. Curled under the pink Cinderella blanket, staring at the lilac colored wallpaper, I came up with two very good reasons as to why I should stay there for the rest of my life.

The first reason was that there was no tea awaiting me downstairs, only coffee, and under normal circumstances that would have been more than enough to justify not emerging until noon or so. The second reason, though, made me want to crawl _under_ the bed and avoid ever coming out.

It was all rushing back with nauseating speed.

Storm. Opossums. Being trapped by said opossums on top of a kitchen cabinet in the dark while Heero threw gas grenades and shot holes in my big sister's floor.

Oh, yes, the floor. The repairmen from the hardware store should be there soon to lay in the new floorboards. I sighed, finally crawling out of my little niece's bed. One more thing to add to the list of petty details that I wasn't going to tell my sister.

Quickly gathering my clothes, I rushed to beat the others to the shower.

Now, if I had thought my sisters took a long time in the bathroom growing up, the thought has since then been far eclipsed by the amount of time my friends spend on their hair every morning. Everyone has their own style, and as such they require a completely different set of hair products of their choice, each one a different brand and fragrance and serving a different purpose.

For Trowa, it's extra-hold gel. For Heero, it's whatever industrial strength soap will clean the mechanic's grease and machine oil residue off him. For Wufei, it has to be slightly perfumed hair oil for extra shine. Duo will accept nothing less than top quality moisturizing conditioner. And if I do have a slight preference for floral and fruit-scented soaps, who can take issue in the face of everyone else's needs?

Normally I don't mind waiting for Duo to braid his long hair or Trowa to gel his coxcomb into place. This morning, however, I needed to get downstairs quickly to brew some coffee and await the repair squad. I also wanted to make sure that there were no dogs or any other kind of interruption present that would delay the new floor. Things would be a bit hard to explain if my family came home and found their kitchen in the midst of an extensive renovation.

Of course, as never fails, I was on the second stage of rinse and repeat when someone flushed the downstairs toilet. A second later the water ran hot. _Too hot!_

"Whoever did that, thanks!" I yelled, nearly tearing the shower curtain down in my frantic attempts to get out from under the scalding water. The shampoo I had randomly grabbed smelled of cinnamon; it was running into my eyes and stung like hot sand.

"Sorry, Q-man!" Duo yelled back from downstairs.

Of course he was. They always were. But that never stopped them from doing it again. I made a mental note to wash a load of whites the next time he was trying to wash his hair on a time budget.

Eventually, the water returned to a more tolerable temperature and I was finally able to make it downstairs. Sure, my hair was still a mess and the slight waves in back were worse than usual from manually toweling it dry, but sometimes there are more important issues to be dealt with than where Duo has left the hairdryer. Not often, but sometimes.

"Morning, everyone," I mumbled when I reached the kitchen, heading straight for the cabinet where the coffee tin is kept. Not that two of them ever really answer, but they all notice when I don't greet them. Anyway, it's nice to start the day on a pleasant note.

"Good morning." Trowa could always be counted on for a good morning, but then he usually didn't say much the rest of the day. He was at the table with Heero and Wufei. The three of them were sharing a newspaper and, by what seemed some sort of unspoken signal, every once in a while they would suddenly swap whichever pages they had just finished.

"Mornin,' Quat." Duo held the coffee tin. For some reason he had a wide grin on his freshly washed face. "Want some coffee?"

"Yes, please, thanks." Without further ado I reached for the tin.

"Are you _sure…_?" he asked, pulling the coffee out of my reach.

What was this? Of_ course_ I wanted it. He should know by now that I need caffeine to survive. "Yes. Please let me have it."

"I don't know…" He was still holding it away. Getting annoyed, I took the initiative and made a grab for what I wanted. The tin was jerked up, down, and from side to side as I frantically tried to get my hands on it. Finally the braided twerp had the nerve to hold it above my head.

"Come on, Quat, jump for it! Jump for it, boy!"

"Duo, I'm serious, give it to me!"

"It's right there! Jump! You can do it!"

"_DUO!_" I wailed, rising up on my toes to scrabble desperately at the coffee that hovered just beyond my fingertips. Never mind that I must have looked like a fool, I wanted my coffee! Why was he doing this? What had I done to deserve such a punishment? "Heero! Make him stop!"

"Maxwell!" Wufei finally yelled in his most exasperated voice, slamming down his glass of juice and glaring when it looked like Heero was going to ignore my plea. "Just give him the damn coffee!"

Duo pouted, lowering the tin a fraction. "Aww, but…"

"He's not going to say it, Duo." Trowa mercifully folded his section of the paper and came over to help me, taking the coffee away from my torturer and dropping it into my quivering hands. "It's not nice to torment people so early in the morning."

"What were you trying to get me to say, anyway?" I asked suspiciously as I filled the coffee maker and the others returned to their previous activities.

Duo shrugged, grinning around a mouthful of Pop-tart. "I wanted to hear you swear again."

"Swear?" I was taken aback. "When did you hear me swear? And more importantly, what did you hear me say?"

"You know, that one _word_ you yelled last night that no one's ever supposed to say…?"

I turned my back on them to hide a red face as I remembered. Ah, yes. _That_ word. As I recalled, I'd said it twice. "Ah, no. No, I don't think I remember saying anything bad last night."

"Oh, but I think you did…"

"Nonsense, Duo, nonsense." I could feel the others grinning. Not good. No matter the circumstances under which I'd uttered the illicit word, if I admitted it now I'd never live it down. I was grasping for a topic change when there came a loud banging on the front door. "Well, look at that. The floor guys are here."

Taking the can of coffee with me, I hurried from the room. This might have been the last day of the trip, but it promised to be a long one.

**O.O.O.O.O**

"Trowa, he's sniffling my hair again…"

"It probably smells good to him."

"It tickles. Hey now, bunny, don't eat it!"

When the workmen requested that we vacate the kitchen, everyone had opted to go outdoors. It was a beautiful day, the storm of the night before a mere memory.

Heero had slunk off into the barn, I suspected to tamper with the farm machinery. Wufei and Duo were playing catch in the yard while trying to avoid both the dogs that kept leaping for the ball and the mad rooster that continued to make angry passes at Wufei's legs. Trowa and I had sprawled under the large oak tree in the front yard, letting his rabbit hop around between us and nibble the fresh grass.

Trowa, his back rested against the tree, read obliviously on in the comic he'd borrowed from Duo. The breeze rustled the leaves overhead. Soft white clouds floated lazily by.

The rabbit hopped again and came into contact with my hand. Eyes closed, absently petting the soft fur, I sighed happily. Now _this_ was what vacations were supposed to be like! Sleep was beginning to threaten when the front door opened and the head workman stepped outside.

"Hey, boy? You may wanna come in here fer a second."

I sighed again, this time for a different reason. _Boy? _What a rude way to address the person signing your paycheck…. Oh, well. With supreme effort of will I got to my feet, carefully not stepping on the rabbit. They must have finished the floor quicker than they had expected. Pleasantly surprised, I went into the house.

**O.O.O.O.O**

"No." I shook my head firmly in denial.

"Yep, I'm 'fraid so."

"No, it's not possible! Don't say things that aren't possible!"

"Sorry, son," the man drawled, breaking a piece of a torn floorboard easily in half. "It's very possible, 'specially in old houses like this. Yer sister's got termites. _Bad_ termites. I figure yer friend puttin' a few holes in this 'ere floor's 'bout the best thing that coulda happened ta ya'll. Least now we can fix it afor somebody falls through inta the basement, like."

I peered down into the sawdust-covered mess that used to be the kitchen floor. The undersides of all the boards were riddled with holes and tunnels that the little insect devils had been making inroads in for who knew how long. With a loud groan of resignation, I rubbed halfheartedly at my tired eyes. This could not _possibly_ be happening to me….

"You realize, Quatre," Heero said suddenly from behind me, "that I could most likely solve this problem with a few more gas canisters."

I shuddered, almost able to see a horde of flaming termites fleeing the carnage that only Hee-chan the Destroyer could wreck upon them. Most definitely _not_ a good idea. "Uh, no thanks, Heero. I think we should probably leave this to the professionals."

Heero pouted slightly but didn't argue.

"I figure we can have pest control 'ere by noon," the contractor drawled, kicking small pieces of scrap wood into the hole. "One good spray oughta take care o' the termites. Pendin' cleanup, waitin' for the fumes to dissipate, and layin' in the new floor, we oughta be done by…"

"You have until eight o'clock this evening," I informed him, waving my checkbook pointedly. He followed it with his eyes. "This mess _will_ be gone and this kitchen as good as new when my sister comes home. Also, there will be a pet rabbit, a bird, some goldfish, and a hamster in one of the upstairs bedrooms. Should they be harmed in any way by the spraying I will unleash upon you the man who shot up this floor in the first place, and retribution will be _swift_ and_ final_. Do we have an understanding?"

Heero's eyes gleamed.

The contractor gulped. "Sure do."

"Good." Smiling brightly, I drafted him the first check. "This is for materials. If you'll kindly give me the number, I'll contact pest control."

Things progressed rather rapidly after that. By the time I had ended a rather persuasive call to pest control, the rest of the contractor's construction team had arrived and finished tearing out the damaged floor at a very productive pace. Within twenty minutes after that the termite van had arrived and begun setting out their equipment with gusto.

"I'm afraid you and your friends will have to leave the house for awhile," the woman in charge of the spraying told us. "Unless, of course, you'd like to keep your pets company upstairs for a few hours."

Duo in particular balked. "No way! This is our last day of vacation! We can't waste it doing nothing!"

"What would you suggest?" Trowa asked him, giving the rabbit a final carry 'round before it went into upstairs isolation.

"I think we should go back to the fair. We can ride some rides, play games, eat fair food 'til we're sick… and _not_ in drag…"

"I really must protest," Wufei growled. I could almost see the flashbacks running through his mind. True, the fair hadn't been the best of experiences for us so far, but that may well have been just the circumstances. Maybe if we went back in a purely tourist state of mind and did nothing but look for a good time, things would be better.

"Can anyone think of something else to do?" I asked diplomatically. No one could. "Okay then, Duo, looks like we're going to the fair."

"Woot! Alright!" He was out the door and halfway to the Hummer before anyone else could blink. Apparently he was eager to get started.

Leaving the kitchen in the hands of the workers and what I hoped was a benevolent higher power, we set out to make the best of the last day of our trip. There was, of course, immediately a setback.

"Gyaah!" Duo coughed and choked, backing rapidly away from the Hummer. "Heero, why does the car smell so bad!"

"I sprayed it with vinegar," the Perfect Soldier explained smugly, "to get rid of the bees. As you can see, it was most effective."

"Oh, I get it. So _that's_ why you limped up last night laughing like a maniac and covered in sting welts."

"I was only stung six times! Considering the vast numbers of the enemy force, that should be counted of very little consequence. Besides, you should be thankful I had the consideration to wash the vinegar off myself before entering our room."

Trying our best to ignore the pungency of the vinegar, we all piled in. When Heero revved the engine, a final pouf was heard as the very last of the honeybees were expelled in a small cloud from the tailpipe.

"To the fair, James!" Duo cried, slinging an arm around Heero's neck from behind. Heero smacked him hard. Wufei laughed in that slightly evil way of his. And somehow, despite the fact that thus far our vacation had, in the words of Duo, "sucked cookies," I couldn't help but think that today at least might turn out to be pretty good.

I am officially no longer an optimist.

**O.O.O.O.O**

"I wanna go on this one, and that one, and that one there…"

Our afternoon at the fair was off to a grand start. Duo chased circles around the rest of us, loudly pointing out each and every ride he deemed worthy of having a go at while simultaneously chattering on about what type of mechanics most likely operated each set of equipment. That intelligence combined with almost hyperactive enthusiasm is what trounces the enemies foolish enough to tackle our cheerful Shinigami.

"Oh, and that one! Let's go on that one, Heero!"

Heero glanced with disinterest at the ride. It was the one that spins a large circular base, and three smaller bases with giant teacups spin on top of that, and you turn a wheel in the middle of your group to make your individual cup spin as well. Heero blinked. "Affirmative. But why is it pink?"

"Only one of the cups is pink. We can get another one. Let's go!"

Dragging Wufei (who was protesting as usual, this time about useless rainbow-colored rides) along with us, we selected our cups and latched the little door gate closed.

"This kind of reminds me of the G-force training we did before piloting for the first time," Trowa commented as the ride began. I made a face at the memory. Piloting was fun, in its own way. Force training for it on the centrifuge was spinningly repetitive to the point of making you nauseous.

"Hey guys, bet me and Heero can make our cup spin faster than yours!" Duo called as their green cup spun by.

"What is the point of that?" Heero asked blankly.

"Just shut up and turn the wheel, okay? Hey, man!" Leaning out of the cup, Duo caught the attention of the man operating the ride. "Faster!"

There were no small children riding at the moment, so the man grinned back and cranked the lever at his elbow. The cups immediately began to blur. I wondered if that had been a good idea.

"We're gonna beat you…!" Duo sang as their cup flashed by once more.

"As if!" Wufei yelled back, and the challenge was on, with no more reason than Wufei hated to be beaten. At anything. Shrugging good-humoredly, Trowa grabbed the wheel and lent a hand. I simply sat back and enjoyed the wind in my face, as three against two wasn't fair.

It wasn't long, though, before I became fairly alarmed. We were spinning at an awful rate. I was clutching the sides of the seat with both hands and still I was being slammed into Wufei every time our cup hit its pivot point. I only saw Heero and Duo in small flashes. Duo's braid was whipping about in every direction. Most likely it was at an acceptable velocity to slice cleanly in half whatever it might happen to come into contact with.

"Uh, guys?" I shouted over the whistling breeze and the whir of stressed machinery. "Don't you think it might be a good idea to slow it down a little?"

"Never!" Wufei cried, and redoubled his efforts. Trowa was laughing out loud for the first time in a long while; no help there. All I could do was sink down inside the cup and not look at anything over the rim. It was all spinning by so fast…

I didn't realize how bad I looked until Trowa commented on it. "Quatre, are you alright?" he asked, appearing somewhat alarmed.

"Huh? Oh, sure, I'm fine…"

"Winner, I swear, if you throw up I'm throwing you out!" Wufei gritted, still spinning the wheel with all his strength.

"I'm not going to be sick!"

When at last the ride began to slow and finally came to a stop, I again ventured to look over the rim. The rainbow lights that decorated the sides of the ride and the area around it were still spinning charmingly. "Wow, Trowa… look at all the pretty colors…" He caught me before I fell flat on my face.

Duo and Wufei were faced off, bracing themselves against the sides of the cups as they glared at one another.

"See, I told you we'd beat you."

"Like hell, Maxwell. _We _went faster."

"No you didn't! _We_ won!"

"I think not!"

"I think so!"

"I think that it isn't possible to determine the exact speed of rotation and velocity reached by each cup without the proper equipment," Heero finally put in. He was standing straight and didn't appear the least bit affected. I wasn't surprised. "I suggest that you call it a drawn and find something else to do."

Duo pouted and Wufei glared, but they relented and declared a tie. However, the next challenge was called even before we were able to fully make our rather dizzy way off the teacups.

"Bumper cars!" Duo crowed, weaving unsteadily yet unerringly in their direction with Wufei in hot pursuit.

"Do you two even want to go?" Trowa asked Heero and I.

Heero shrugged, presumably indicating that he really didn't care either way.

"As long as it doesn't spin, I'm game," I said, finally letting go of Trowa's very supportive shoulder. "Let's go catch them before we get split up."

The very thought of a competitive Duo and Wufei alone together in the foreign environment of a country fair was enough to give me the heebie-jeebies, and not entirely without reason.

**O.O.O.O.O**

It turned out that Heero absolutely loved the bumper cars.

We stayed on them for over half an hour, and after the first five minutes or so no one would go near him. I kept one eye on him while stalking Trowa's car around the perimeter of the rink. Laughing maniacally, Heero would chase down his prey with the speed and efficiency of a hunting jaguar, only to slam them mercilessly. Duo thought it hilarious, but I was forced to call a halt when angry mothers began to glare and not allow their children on the ride.

The bumper cars pretty much set the mood for the rest of the afternoon. Heero was now firmly in competitive combat mode, which suited Duo and Wufei just fine. They went from one ride to another, somehow always managing to turn it into a race or competition. Who could make their way through the House of Mirrors the fastest? Who could scream the loudest on the roller coaster? Who could make their shoe fly off the farthest while on the chair swings?

Duo unquestionably won the last round, one of his black high-tops soaring almost out of sight. When we finally caught up with it, it was floating in the Win-A-Fish goldfish pond. The owner, having been hit by the shoe before it fell into the water, was understandably displeased.

"Would anyone else like something to eat?" I asked almost desperately when it appeared that they wanted to start yet another contest. It was getting late in the day. It was hot and humid, I was hungry, and we were running out of little paper tickets for the rides.

"Hey, sure!" Duo grinned hugely, forcing his foot back into the soggy shoe. "Lead on, moneybags. This place is like a country-style buffet."

I very nearly retracted the offer. I may have had the money, but if he was going to make comments like that it definitely wouldn't be hard to let _him_ pay for a change.

He must have read it on my face, for he quickly made a contrite little moue and began to pat my head appeasingly. "Eh, sorry. What I meant to say was, would you _please_ buy me lunch, as I am poor and hungry and have no money at the moment?"

"That's what I thought you said."

"One of the smaller barns near the entrance has been turned into a grill," Trowa offered helpfully, flipping through the small fair map. "If we decide to eat there, we can at least sit at a picnic table."

"Wonderful. I'm sure I have always dreamed of eating in a barn," Wufei grumbled as we promptly switched directions and headed for the impromptu restaurant. But he didn't grumble very loudly, as the obvious second option was sitting in the grass somewhere and eating off our knees.

When we arrived, the lunch rush was luckily winding down. We moved into the line, scanning the hand painted menu boards. It was the usual country fast food fare; hamburgers, hotdogs, french-fries and soda, but it all looked (and smelled) strangely good. Maybe the farm lifestyle was rubbing off on me.

"Mmm, burgers," Duo drooled, little hearts in his eyes. "Coke… corn dog… hot, greasy fries…"

Trowa shook his head slightly at Duo's junk food attachment. He was obviously thinking along the more healthy lines of a fresh salad. I wondered what he would say if I did wind up ordering a hamburger.

"Spare-rib sandwich," Heero mused quietly. "Barbeque pork chop? Or maybe the… Wufei, what are you ordering?"

"Chicken," Wufei growled softly, an evil smirk in place. Perhaps he was still dwelling on the rooster that kept ambushing him? He and poultry seemed not to get along well.

The fried food was beckoning, its call becoming inexplicably stronger. When our turn finally came, four out of the five orders were, not surprisingly, not exactly what one could term "healthy." What was surprising was that Trowa simply shrugged and accepted the fact that, while on vacation, there was going to be grease and sugar consumption by the rest of the party. Taking his salad, he went to find us a table.

"Ketchup, mustard, extra mayo," Duo hummed, flipping the top bun off his hamburger and reaching for condiments. I did the same, helping myself to a bottle of ketchup. Which would not come out.

Frowning, I squeezed the plastic bottle a little harder. There was no result. I could feel that it was still reasonably full, however, so with a sigh I unscrewed the lid and made to pour some onto my cheeseburger. A ketchup-covered beetle slid out, narrowly missing my plate.

My eye twitched.

To give the beetle its due, it was not a roach. Still, the fact that there was indeed an insect in the ketchup it was quite bad enough.

Did I scream or not? That was the question. If I didn't, who knew what we might be eating. If I did, we would either have to leave the fairgrounds to find better food and then pay to get back in afterwards, or we wouldn't be eating for hours.

"There's no more ketchup," I said hurriedly, dumping the remainder of the bottle over the edge of the table. My appetite was firmly gone. I resolved silently that from then on I would never, _ever_ trust house-made condiments, even in the most expensive of dining establishments.

**O.O.O.O.O**

"That. Was absolutely. The nastiest thing. In the world."

"Wufei, it was one rat. One. And we are, in fact, in the middle of the country, surrounded by easy food. Purely coincidental."

"Easy for you to say, Barton," Wufei snarled, stalking ahead of the group. "It didn't try to go up _your _pant leg."

I cowered behind, feeling somewhat guilty. I should have pulled the plug after the beetle. Besides that, I had seen the animal run under the table, but I hadn't got a good look at it and thought it was a squirrel lost in the building by mistake. By the time I had the idea to lift the tablecloth and saw the rodent, bold as brass, climb Wufei's pant leg, it was too late. He was not pleased.

"Anybody want to go on the Ferris wheel?" I asked feebly.

"I do!" Duo sang unsurprisingly, pulling Heero along with him. "Let's go!"

"Coming, Wufei?" Trowa asked over his shoulder.

Wufei was stalking away. "Absolutely not. It is about to rain."

I glanced up. Well, it was a little overcast and the wind was picking up, but it didn't look like it was going to rain any time soon. "Are you sure? I really doubt it'll rain in just the time it takes to go around once or twice…."

"No thank you." And Wufei disappeared pointedly in the direction of the gaming booths.

Shrugging, the remaining four of us got in line for the Ferris wheel, forcing ourselves to think happy thoughts.

"Hey, I think I can see the house from here!" Duo yelled from the seat below me as the ride took us up over the trees. "Check it out, Heero."

A lightly admonishing "Baka, you're rocking the car," was all the answer he got.

I sighed, gazing out across the fairgrounds as the ride went slowly in circles. First we went up… then we came down. Up… down… up… down. It was actually quite soothing. Soothing until I felt the car jerk alarmingly and Trowa was no longer beside me.

"Trowa, what are you _doing?_" I yelled. He had jumped out of the seat and was slowly walking on the frame of the Ferris wheel as it turned.

"Don't worry, I saw this in a movie once," he called as our seat began to descend without him.

"That's awesome!" Duo laughed, looking up and grinning. "Way to go, Tro!"

People walking on the ground below began to look up as well, laughing and waving, enjoying the spectacle of the man on top of the Ferris wheel. He looked so at ease, smiling and waving back, they must have thought he was a trained performer of some sort. Which, I suppose, he is.

Seeing that all was well, I finally relaxed and began to laugh myself. We've been slowly trying to train Trowa into random acts of fun and spontaneity, so seeing him do something so out of the ordinary for no apparent reason was a good sign that our work was paying off.

Our car was moving up again. It was almost level for Trowa to jump back in when the first drop of rain hit me between the eyes. With an indignant growl I wiped it off, glaring at the sky. It would not dare.

"What's the matter?" Trowa asked, leaping lightly back into his seat.

"Just a raindrop," I explained. "So, what movie did you see that stunt… what the heck!"

And it began to pour.

For lack of a better word, it was a deluge. One minute the sky was all but clear, and the next we were being soaked to the bone at the top of the Ferris wheel. It was like being under the shower.

I could hear Duo's indignant screams and curses from the car below us. All around people were shrieking and laughing as they ran for cover. Rides were coming to a halt all around the fair.

"Well," I told Trowa dully, shaking soaked hair out of my eyes, "it could be worse. At least they're letting people _off _the rides…"

I think by now you might be able to guess what happened next. As if by some divine intervention that had merely been waiting for those words to leave my mouth, the Ferris wheel shuddered and ground to a halt. Trowa and I were at the very top.

"What the _hell!_" came Duo's screech from below.

I glanced over the side. Thick, black smoke was rising from the machinery at the base of the ride. The ride operator glanced up, met my gaze, and shrugged helplessly.

"Sorry, kid! Nothin' I can do now!"

And the scumbag ran off! He simply ran away to find shelter leaving me, my friends, and nearly thirty other passengers stuck on the malfunctioned ride. I was livid, to say the least.

"Oh _NO_ you don't!" I screamed, waving my fist over the side of the car. The seat swayed alarmingly, but at this point I didn't care. "Don't you even _dare! _I demand you come back and fix this thing _right now_, do you hear me?! _GET BACK HERE!_"

I was ignored.

It continued to rain.

Slumping back into my seat, I dimly took stock of the situation. There was now nearly half an inch of water in the bottom of the car. It might have been wise in other circumstances to begin bailing, but for some strange reason, drowning did not seem so bad just then.

Trowa was a sorry sight. His uni-bang was plastered to his face, nearly covering not just one but both of his eyes. "Alright…" he monotoned after a moment. "_Now_ it can't get any worse."

Obligingly, I reached over and folded the sopping hair back. It gave him a bit of a George Washington hair style, but at least he could see. The first thing he saw, accordingly, he pointed out.

"Look, it's Wufei."

I peered back over the side. Wufei was indeed standing near the base of the Ferris wheel, under the sheltering overhang of a popcorn booth. He was eating an ice cream and had some sort of stuffed prize under one arm. Glancing up from the ice cream he waved, a smug smile visible even from where we sat.

I considered my options and waved back, just once, hoping to convey with a single finger the myriad emotions coursing through me at that moment. I could always dispute the fact by later claiming that Wufei didn't have his glasses on at the time, and therefore couldn't possibly see the difference between the gesture I made and the thumbs up at that distance.

The one in question was laughing now, laughing madly and smugly enough to be heard from our perch. For a split second anger seized me, before something black came arching down and hit the infidel right in the head. It was one of Duo's high-tops.

I, at least, got the last laugh.

**O.O.O.O.O**

"Hey, Heero, I can see your underwear line."

"Shut up, baka," Heero growled, a faint blush fanning across his face as we all trooped into the Fluff n' Fold. Wet spandex is generally not something one wishes to be caught wearing.

Soaking wet and freezing, unwilling to wait for the ride to be repaired, we had waited for a lull in the downpour and climbed down from the Ferris wheel. Without question we left the fair immediately. There would be no going back.

"Load it up, please," I said, holding open the hinged door of one of the larger clothes dryers. Silently we filled it with wet shirts, pants, socks and shoes. Fishing through the pile of sopping garments, I discovered some quarters that would start the machine. From then on there was nothing to do but wait.

And that is how five retired Gundam pilots came to be sitting in a line in their boxers on a bench in the local Laundromat.

We all sat silently, staring at our clothes going in circles inside the dryer. If we could all just keep cool for half and hour and let the industrial appliance do its job, we could be out of there before anyone said it.

Trowa shifted. Heero cleared his throat.

_Oh please don't say it, _please_ don't say it_, I prayed.

"My God, this is humiliating," Duo announced. "Now let me see the panda."

I winced. He _had_ to say it.

Wufei instinctively clutched the stuffed prize he had won. "No."

"Come on, I won't hurt it. Just let me look at it."

"No."

"I'll even name it for you!"

"No!"

"From now on it's Mister Chin, okay? Its name is Mister Chin."

"NO!"

I stifled a whine, burying my face in my hands. Cold, damp, humiliated, half naked, in public, with two of my best friends making a scene fighting over a panda toy. What a way to spend a vacation.

"Don't stare, Tommy," a woman scolded, pulling her young son away by the arm. "We don't go near weirdos like that."

"Hey, Trowa," I commented brightly. "Now I know what the seventh circle of Hell looks like."

**O.O.O.O.O**

The sun was beginning to set when we arrived back at the house.

Clothing now reasonably dry and Hummer washed clean of vinegar by the freak rainstorm, we were all in markedly better spirits. There was now but one thing on our minds: packing up and going home. My family would be back in a few short hours, and we could finally get back to where we belonged.

"Yeah, but it'll be a drag going back to work Monday," Duo yawned as we ascended the porch. "You know, I think with a few more weeks I could really get used to living away from the city… hey, a lizard!"

"Leave it alone," Heero commanded, but it was too late. Duo pounced, then screamed shrilly as the lizard squirmed under his fingers.

"It came off!" he jabbered hysterically, staring down at the detached tail still flopping where the lizard had just been. "Heero, the tail came off!"

"So I see."

"Okay, you know what, that's it. I_ do_ wanna go back to the city." And the former pilot of Deathscythe gave the twitching tail one last glare and stormed into the house to collect his luggage.

On a more pleasant note, the kitchen floor had been finished and was in the final stages of drying.

"You'll just wanna stay off it as much as ya can," the contractor told us, handing me the final bill. "By mornin' the stain an' gloss should be totally dry."

"Thank you, thank you very much." The floor was now better than ever, with no bullet holes or termites to be found. It had even been stained to match the cabinets and table set. I was sure Sis would love it. It was with a happy heart indeed that I reached for my slightly damp checkbook… and found, to my utter dismay, that my wallet was missing.

"What's wrong?" Trowa demanded. He can always tell instantly when something is about to go amiss.

"Nothing," I reassured as I wrote out the check. "But, uh, you haven't seen my wallet, have you?"

His emerald eyes narrowed. "You're kidding."

"I wish. Maybe it's on the seat in the Hummer or…" And then I remembered. When the clothes had finished drying I had shaken out my slacks to smooth the worst of the wrinkles. The wallet had fallen out, I had set it on the corner of the dryer while we dressed, and when we walked out I had… left it on the dryer.

I couldn't help it. I began to curse in Arabic. Fate seemed absolutely determined to make sure our one vacation a year ended on the same sour note it had begun. This day could not possibly get any worse.

"What is it?" Heero asked, stalking quickly into the room. "Is the floor unsatisfactory? Do you require my intervention?" He gave the contractor a dangerous smile. The man looked terrified.

"No, Heero, everything is fine." I took a deep breath and tried to be calm. "I just need the keys."

"Why?"

"Because like an idiot I forgot my wallet at the Laundromat, and I'm going back to get it before my sister gets home. I will be right back. And I want everyone packed and ready to walk out this door the moment I get back here!" Fighting the urge to yell 'Or else!' I grabbed the keys and made a run out the door. This madness could not continue.

All the way back to town I kept up a running dialogue under my breath. How in the name of Allah did that woman manage to survive out here? Crazed animals, inclement weather conditions, stores that didn't even accept _credit_– how did she _stand _it?!

Luckily, the wallet was still right where I had left it. Its theft really would have been the icing on my proverbial cake. I had stuffed it in my pocket and was leaving the Fluff 'n Fold for the second time that day when I saw the sign. That lovely white and green sign, hovering in the corner of my vision like desert oasis.

It was a Starbucks.

I nearly dropped to my knees in thanks. Diving into the Hummer I was in the drive-up with speed that surely would have gotten me a ticket if a traffic cop had seen. "I need a cup of hot tea. The biggest one you have. No sugar, no milk. _Now_."

I tipped the girl a five and pulled out of the parking lot in a blissful haze. Tea! At last, after a week of deprivation, it was _tea! _This was almost enough to atone for the horrid day.

It was getting dark as I left town. Following the headlights down the backcountry roads, I sipped gratefully at the tea and let myself relax. There were some sparse wooded areas to my left. To my right, the last traces of a red sunset still burned. That was one thing I would actually miss, the beautiful scenery and the clear air and the quiet nights. It was all so… very… relaxing…

Apparently it was _too_ relaxing. One moment I was happily driving along minding my own business, and the next I saw the deer.

It flashed out of the woods quick as lightning, right into the road. After that it all seemed to happen in slow motion. My eyes bugged. Desperately I spun the wheel. My foot hit the break. My tea hit the dashboard with an almighty splash, soaking everything. There was impact.

Then it was over.

Very, very cautiously I lifted my head and forced my face to relax from the cringe it had been locked in. I was fine, albeit still a bit shocked, and the Hummer was still on the road. It couldn't be that bad. Firmly telling myself this, I unsnapped the seatbelt and climbed out to check the damage.

There was a huge dent in the passenger door. The antenna had been snapped clean off at its base. The side mirror was gone as well, and, in its place, there was a large clump of brown deer hair wedged in the twisted metal. There was no sign of the animal.

_There's no blood,_ I thought desperately._ No blood means that it didn't die. It's still alive if there's no blood, right? I wasn't even going that fast. Deers are tough. There's no way it can be dead._

Then I saw the antler.

**O.O.O.O.O**

"What's this?" Trowa demanded as I dropped the antler into his hands a few minutes later.

"I killed it, Tro," was all I could manage to say.

"Killed what? Wait… is this a _deer_ antler?"

"I was just driving home and… it jumped right in front of me, and I tried to turn, but… and then I killed it."

Trowa stared at me blankly, the horn still clutched in his hand. Wufei hovered motionless by the door, his eyes wide, the pile of baggage he had been stacking in the entry forgotten.

Suddenly Heero was there. "Are you saying you ran over a deer? In _my_ vehicle?"

"Uh, yeah." I couldn't help it. I could feel myself tearing up.

"Is there a mark?" he demanded, already running for the Hummer. "Winner, there had better not be a mark on my car!"

"Is there a mark?" Duo asked quietly as the front door slammed.

I nodded.

"Big?"

I nodded. From outside came the sounds of infuriated cursing in Japanese. Duo let out a long, low whistle and, for the sake of caution, slunk from the room.

"Alright, listen." Trowa carefully placed the antler on the side table and gave me his full attention, ignoring the ranting from outside. "Quatre. Did you actually see the deer lying there?"

"No. Just that. And the dent. And some fur caught in the metal." Once again the tears were threatening.

"And there was no blood at all?"

"No."

"Then this proves nothing," Trowa said firmly, tossing the antler out the front door. "All this antler proves is that somewhere out there lurks a very stunned deer with a bad headache missing one antler. Deer get into collisions all the time and run away from them. They're very hard to kill, especially if it was only a glancing blow. You _did not_ kill the deer. Alright?"

"Yeah… yeah, okay." Suddenly I felt much better. Trowa watched Animal Planet with semi-religious zeal. He knew everything about animals. If he said the deer had survived, who was I to argue?

The good feeling lasted about three seconds. Heero stormed back into the house holding the antler.

"Who threw this?" he demanded, waving it threateningly. "It nearly took out my eye."

No one moved but Duo, who peeked into the room, saw the coast was not yet clear, and made another hasty retreat.

Heero looked quite peeved. "And while we are on the subject of eyes, I have seen the unsightly dent in my vehicle. Did you know that the mirror and the radio antenna are missing? And were you aware that the entire area of the dashboard and console is soaked with tea?"

"Yes, Heero, I'm especially, painfully aware of that." I was in no mood to deal with being accused of something that was clearly an accident. Yes, I would pay to fix his Hummer, but that was as far as my charity would extend on the matter. "What's your point?"

Fuming, he gave the antler one last wave. "I sincerely hope that deer is dead in a ditch somewhere, to save me the trouble of tracking and shooting it myself!" He snapped the antler easily and launched the pieces back outside.

"See, he isn't blaming you," Trowa reassured, patting my shoulder as the irate former pilot of Wing disappeared into the kitchen. "Oh, by the way, your sister called while you were out. She wants you to call her back."

The spark of happiness again ignited. They must be almost home! We could leave as soon as they arrived and put this nightmare behind us! I nearly skipped into the kitchen, a wide smile on my face as I grabbed the phone and dialed her cell number.

"_Hello?"_

"Sis! Hi, it's me! Are you almost home?"

"_Oh, Quatre! I'm so glad you called. I've been trying to get a hold of you all day but no one would pick up…"_

"We, uh, went to the fair. And the Laundromat. And I hit a deer in Heero's car. But none of that matters now that you're on your way home, so –"

"_You say you hit a deer?"_ She was alarmed, to say the least._ "Are you alright?"_

"Yes, I'm fine, but –"

Then I heard her husband yelling in the background. _"Honey, did he get it? Ask him if he picked it up!"_

My mind went blank. Did I pick it up? What in the name of OZ was he talking about?

"_Quatre? Bob wants to know if you picked up the deer… what, honey? No, don't be silly, of course he wouldn't know how to clean a deer! Honestly… did you see where it went?"_

I felt increasingly ill. I had a feeling I knew where this was headed, and road kill is most certainly _not_ meant to be a menu item. "No, no I didn't. It bounced off the car and ran away, and I –"

"_Then maybe it's still out there!"_ The husband again. _"Honey, tell him to go look around in the weeds by the side of the road, that's usually where they fly when ya hit 'em…"_

"No!" I yelled desperately. "No, it's not dead! I didn't kill it, I didn't! It just lost an antler and got a migraine and ran away!"

They were ignoring me. Sis was telling her charming spouse to shush, he was ranting about how there was still plenty of room in the deepfreeze, and from the midst of the commotion I heard the sweet little voice of my favorite niece pipe up.

"_Mommy, Uncle Quatre killed __**Bambi!**_

The phone dropped from my numb fingers. Scenes from the Disney movie flashed through my mind with alarming clarity. Sweet childhood innocence destroyed by human carelessness…

"I am not a Bambi buster!" I screamed, and bolted from the kitchen. Knocking Duo out of the way I raced up the stairs and into Katie's room. I had to get out of there. I was frantically stuffing my things into the suitcase when Trowa appeared.

"Quatre, let's talk about this…"

"Katie thinks I'm a baby deer murderer!" I wailed, trying to zip the bag and getting a pinch of fabric stuck in the zipper. "Trowa, I didn't do it on purpose!"

"I know you didn't," he said soothingly, trying to take my bag away. "Trust me when I tell you that the deer is fine! Your brother-in-law is just being optimistic that maybe he might get a free, albeit disgusting and barbaric, meal. In reality, I'm sure there is nothing more wrong with the animal than a bruised noggin and maybe a small bald spot."

I sniffed. "Really? You're not lying to make me feel less guilty?"

"No, I'm not. You can also ask Duo. He never lies." As if on cue, Duo stepped in.

"That's right, Quat," he said in what was very obviously a carefully scripted and memorized line. "The deer definitely must be fine. Yep, it's totally, absolutely, completely not dead."

I gave Trowa a baleful glare. He seemed to wilt. "Okay, okay, it had a fifty-fifty chance. I just wanted to make you feel better."

Duo grabbed me before I could hit him.

"Beat him later, dude," he said, dragging me back down to the kitchen. "Your sister's still on the phone."

Trowa followed us, and behind him Heero and Wufei. The latter two looked very grim. I became somewhat alarmed. What had happened now? Did they know something I didn't?

"What did she say?" I whispered, holding a hand over the mouthpiece.

Duo fidgeted. "She, uh… she said she wants to know if… uh… she's not coming home tonight." I stared at him. Trowa looked vaguely surprised. The others were silent. "They want to stay on vacation longer, and they wanna know if we'll stay here for another week… or two…"

Without hesitation I hung up the phone. "Everybody get in the car. NOW."

They scattered like squirrels at a popcorn party. In record time the Hummer was loaded and everyone piled in, Trowa hugging his rabbit and Wufei aiming one last kick at the obstinate rooster clawing at his pants.

I shoved Heero out of from behind the wheel. I had a rather _different _destination in mind.

"Goodbye!" Trowa yelled to the dogs that had gathered at the end of the drive to see us off. They barked a farewell as we roared away into the night.

Within ten minutes we had driven through town for the last time. In fifteen we were back on the highway. Ignoring the road signs, I headed south, toward the nearest big city. There had to be an airport around there somewhere.

Duo looked slightly worried. "Uh, Q-man? I don't think this is the right way home…"

"Oh, but we aren't going home, Duo." I gave him a big smile in the rearview mirror. "Just relax and let me take care of _everything_…"

**O.O.O.O.O**

We slept on the plane. Less than twenty four hours later, on a beach somewhere in the south Caribbean, we discussed our options.

The hot sun shone down through our brightly colored beach umbrella, casting patches of rainbow shade across our patterned beach towels. Waves crashed gently against the white sandy shore. Gulls wheeled and circled, crying in counterpoint to the warm wind rustling the palm leaves.

Oh, yes. This was most certainly the life.

"Yeah… yeah, I could take another week off," Duo mumbled from behind his designer sunglasses, half buried in the sand. Heero nodded minutely and dumped another handful on his legs.

Trowa and Wufei were stretched out on the reclining beach chairs on either side of me. Trowa was napping. Thumper, asleep on his chest in the V of a gaudy green and orange Hawaiian shirt, had a few pieces of dried hay from Trowa's new straw hat sticking out of his mouth.

"It's a shame, really," Wufei mused as he sipped the last of his coconut drink, "that we are forced to take a second vacation, simply to recover from taking the first vacation."

"Complaints?" I queried, shaking sand out of my flip-flops.

There weren't any. They were all shaking their heads firmly when my cell phone went off. I lifted an eyebrow in aggravation. Digging through the beach bag, past sunscreen and snack items and paperback summer reads, I finally found it and fished the beeping annoyance out.

"Hmm. Looks like it's Lady Une at Preventer base. I suppose we should probably answer it…"

There was a long pause as we all, rabbit included, swapped looks. At last, Heero gave another small nod, and we all smiled as one. The cell phone made a cheerful "plink!" sound as it arched overhead and sank into the crystal blue Caribbean waters.

"Nah. We're on vacation."

**The End**

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

**(2****nd****) Author's Note:** And there we have it, my friends. After many trials and tribulations, the boys get their long-awaited vacation after all. Finally, they can get some serious R&R. I'm jealous of them. Spring break is still five months away….

Anyways. Thanks for sticking with them (and me) 'til the end. So long, y'all. Hope to see you again soon, on some other hair-brained attempt at comedy. See ya's!


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